An hour ago I uploaded a very personal and password protected post with a lady and myself in mind, the theme is depression so not a very festive nor Happy New Year subject is it? Anyways the password will have to be sought but note adult themes, I know 🙂 I know 🙂 I know 🙂 now isn’t the time or date to publish such a post but I desperately wanted it on my blog before 2017 begins, but knowing the sort of silliness and photos my Followers enjoy it’s probably not their ‘cup of tea’ which is ok, but she was helpful. Sorry for being vague and drama Queenish but I wanted it on my blog. TY . God I hope next year is a good one in so many ways.
My FINAL post of 2016, one to look back on because next year will be a new beginning and a time to move on and see where 2017 takes me.
Ok 🙂 I understand talk of Depression and Mental illness isn’t an attractive subject to blog about which could be sympathetically answered from me thus, I’ve shied away from personal posts preferring to hopefully entertain, my take on blogging is do ‘we’ really need other peoples negativity in our own lives? Do ‘you’ need me draining your spirit humour and energy from the cheery blogger who just this minute sat down then scrolled their Reader hoping to be ‘entertained’ by my rather eclectic posts?
Of course you don’t but hold on perhaps I’m assuming too much, we’re told by mental health professionals that 1 in 4 of us at some point in our lives will suffer from mental illness, anyways like it or not sharing my following true story is meant as a thank you to a lovely lady, I’ll call her I. and yes I hope to convey a positive message, not because suicide is any subject to be taken lightly, no I consider the reply email from lady blogger I. uplifting.
First my message to lady I.
‘I promised to write I. and keeping one’s word is good manners when you yourself give of so selflessly, so please bare in mind I’m not showing off and as always what I have to say is honestly written……..God don’t I half go on!!!!
I have a worry connected to a theme you’ve addressed in an earlier post, I have worries writing about a past attempt to harm myself, and the ‘why’ is because it’s a known fact revealing detail does and can trigger copycat behaviour amongst mentally vulnerable people, hence I’ve given little detail. However I’m still a little concerned, you are a beautiful soul both inside and out, just remember I’m ok and haven’t the nerve to go through with anything anyway, and neither do I wish to emotionally drain you with my self indulgence, which you’ve intimated has happened in the past. But I have a guess you enjoy if that’s the right word, by reading your comments you seem to find listening and interacting quite therapeutic probably because you are both skilled and knowledgeable when confronted with other peoples mental problems……let’s qualify that remark with ‘other people’s tales’……..you’d make a good agony Aunt plus you’ve a wicked sense of humour and brilliant turn of phrase.
But don’t feel you have to reply, all’s good, this afternoon’s been nice to talk and I’m feeling very relaxed right now.
So you’ll guess I once attempted to end my life, happened in Spring this year and I obviously didn’t, either through weakness or whatever I couldn’t and ultimately a Police intervention stopped me carrying out my wicked selfish act, however consequences of that afternoon’s events meant enduring a series of compulsory interviews sat opposite an NHS psychiatrist all because I was deemed at risk. Then later I had to sit through harsh words from my GP……..and what annoys me still to this day, by talking confidentially with a mental health professional, giving completely of myself in detail, revealing my naked soul and darkest secrets is all very good, but then ‘he’ went and told my GP every single sordid detail! There I was weeks later in my doctors consulting room, him reading transcripts word for word verbatim of what I’d said, embarrassing if nothing else, and not being told I’d been previously recorded was wrong, and has put me off from ever talking to a health professional ever again!
(Next year this will change.)
There you are, my GP’s a decent guy but I must admit this experience has stopped me from ever bringing this subject up again with anyone, which is both frustrating and very depressing. I can see why mental health professionals are careful, why they follow guidelines and strict procedures but if you can’t speak confidentially with a ‘shrink’ then what an earth is the point? So consequently I’ve learnt being candid with a stranger can have horrendous consequences and ramifications, then what happens if I’m Sectioned like my father was still a young man suffering from depression.
Anyways back to me and living with the consequences of what turned out to be reckless honesty. Ok let’s say it happened again and at worst I’m sectioned into a hospital, what then when I return to work?
I. I have the feeling living on my own is at the heart of my emotional problems and depression (this hurts saying). I must admit the older and wiser I get, also the relationship problems I observe in others and that well worn saying, ‘Women! You can’t live with them you can’t live without them (applies to men also)’ rings truer and truer, can two people live happy every after? I guess the upside to living with someone is sex which I miss, the downside is rows and arguments, I know a lady who nags at her husband to the point ‘lol’ I feel like saying “for f#cks sake woman give the guy a break!!” Trouble is I quite like my balls so I’ll keep my mouth shut, but BUT hold on! I’d take a relationship with all its pitfalls any day, a long story is why not………just say ahh!!
My past sex life and don’t judge too harshly, <personal> were fun, yes I visited beautiful 20 something <personal> who doted on me, but to be completely honest I came away feeling a chat with her would have been more fun, a kiss cuddle and sharing a cup of tea would have been more emotionally rewarding, physically fulfilling than her sucking my dick with her large brown doe eyes gazing deep into mine………… and if there’s one truth I’ve learnt in my years walking this awful planet populated with nasty people, I know for certain sex is a pointless waste of time and energy unless two people love each other, I would have to emotionally connect with the woman I’m f#cking, if not I’m content being celibate hence I haven’t been with an <personal> in several years. Sex I don’t miss because it has to be shared with someone I love and who loves me in return.
I guess you’re maybe thinking, ‘Well Andrew ty lol for nothing, you’ve written many words with out saying a great deal’, and rereading I’m inclined to agree (this hasn’t been edited or toyed with btw). However I. I think this is by far my most honest post and I’ve yes enjoyed sharing two facts with you. Firstly I have a deep seated mistrust opening up to mental health professionals again, perhaps I did everything wrong way round before, perhaps if I’d seen and talked with my GP before attempting to self harm, even though I don’t think I’m a strong enough man to go through with such a wicked crime, perhaps if I’d began by telling him of my depression he would have been more willing to help, trouble is depression induced acts aren’t thought through and rational are they! And because my GP knows what happened I haven’t been back in 8 months and I’m unsure if I ever want to again. I’d guess if he and I talked now, always in the back of his mind would be my admission in that bloody transcript………he totally clammed up after and I have a guess to why.
Secondly I’ve perhaps already answered my own question, I have a strong feeling I’m depressed because I’m single, I hate coming home on an evening, opening the front door and hearing complete silence as I step across the threshold, it would be nice to receive a kiss “hello honey” and cuddle, and of course you’ll know as fact, single men are more at risk of self harm, loneliness is a contributing factor, awful, such is life.
IncidentallyI can honestly say the one person who seemed to really care, seemed genuinely interested in my life story was the Policewoman who found me and who later drove me to the Station and interviewed, she chatted with me and admitted to her own depression, on the day in question this lovely lady had an ability to understand and share the feelings of another, an empath have you will, and I’ve never met anyone show such kindness and concern before or since. But yes I realise she was being completely professional, and she was very sweet………..plus I’m a sucker for a pretty smile 😀 no joking apart she cared.
🙂 I’m feeling ok yet resigned to knowing I’ll always go through life thinking ‘what’s the point?’ You’ll understand for those who don’t give a f#ck getting through the day can be like trudging through proverbial treacle, so don’t worry I’m ok, also as of this moment smiling.
(You kindly gave me your email, but a post for you seemed best, if you’ve found it interesting that’s brilliant and really enough, think a post is best, you may feel uncomfortable seeing me in your inbox 😀 )
Do you consider my true and honest tale positive or wicked and self indulgent? Don’t answer.
I hope I. doesn’t mind me posting extracts from her email, maybe, she hoped I’d post my bit so all’s good. 🙂 So here is an edited version of her email reply and if you are feeling rather low I think you may take comfort from the information she replied, judge me, but just know lady I. is very lovely very knowledgeable.
‘<personal>……………………I’m glad you had that positive experience with the police woman 😊 That kind of thing makes all the difference when you’re at rock bottom. With the psychiatrist, because it was an urgent care assessment, in other words to ascertain whether your risk of completing suicide was sufficient for you to be detained under the mental health act, everything is written down and recorded verbatim in quotation marks. That is how it is, as they have a duty of care to communicate between professionals. They should have made that clear at the outset though. Some GPs are shit with mental health and uncomfortable discussing it openly. Some are great. It’s a lottery. You can always book in with a new GP, but a suicide attempt/crisis assessment will always be on your mental health records so a new person will see it too. That is for your own benefit. So people know you have been vulnerable and they need to be attentive and take care of you well. It is not a weapon to judge a patient with. It is just how the system works. But I understand your fear and worry of stigma. I didn’t visit the doctor for years after I was first diagnosed with clinical depression at 16. But now I think fuck it. If I need a doctor I’ll see one, and I’m not gonna worry how I might be perceived. No mental health care is confidential. None of it. But that is because it is important all NHS people have an awareness of yourhistory………………<personal>……………………
………….<personal>……….. And about being single, feeling depressed about that and feeling lonely is understandable. I have a depressed male friend at the moment which has been desperately unhappy for this reason. I get it. Companionship and sex and intimacy is a gift, so when it’s lacking we will feel emptiness. Personally I feel depressed emptiness and loneliness myself even though I’m married. It is more typical than we think it is. I know that an awareness that other people feel the same doesn’t help you feel better, but it’s a small comfort I hope. Your feelings are valid and reasonable in your life circumstances. I’m sorry this is how your personal life is just now, but it is temporary, not forever 😊 ………………’
I’m unsure how to finish this post, not usually a problem for me, 60 posts and I’ve never had a problem, 200 if you count my previous blog, usually I write ‘just be sure my next post won’t be anything like this one’. Back to this post and being unsure how to tie up loose ends, I can’t because there are NO easy answers to mental health issues, all I hope is you may at least find my tale and lady I. useful information and if you think you need to seek professional help.
If you’ve Followed my blog 😀 (in the loosest term of the phrase) this autumn ty, I had a lovely Christmas and hope you did to, mine was spent with my adorable young nephews, great fun and being around their childish enthusiasm was a real joy. ❤
My scenic photographic posts have been popular and I enjoy sharing so here’s two more for you and of course taken by me. Earlier this autumn and on a whim I booked a last minute ‘single’ room at a small West Rocks Hotel on the South Coast of England. As their website stated the room’s view stretched out across a pebble beach with blue sea beyond and a stunning sunset, I know I wish I’d taken photos next time!)
I take short breaks sometimes and highly recommend, no planning, I went on-line on the Thursday and booked a Hotel somewhere last minute (some great prices for the Friday), the only proviso a Hotel has to be near a railway station. Then come Friday evening I’ll travel light taking the train for a weekend’s short break, and when there I’ll maybe sightsee trek a coastline or just do whatever?
A New Year resolution is to try more often though the downside to travelling alone is it can be depressing, there you are we’ll see . Here’s a tip, travelling light is very liberating only because WE (humans) carry far tooo much baggage in life, why? With that in mind all I really carry is a small rucksack with undies (ok lol and a little more!)
Well as the Title hinted, a few months ago I took the train from Oxford England directly down to Eastbourne on the South coast, I’ll say little about Eastbourne (boring City) other than it’s sunny and warm all year round hence the retirement capital of England, a little like an English equivalent of Florida!
I must admit to wanting to finally experience the magnificent Beachy Head chalk cliffs also wander along the Coastline a little, the weather was stunning that day BUT I don’t mind wind rain and the cold……….when you walk alone in horrible weather you may find thoughts of ‘why are we here’ become a second person, you’re p#ssed angry at being outside all wet and cold and dispirited as apposed to gaily enjoying getting suntanned, just think about that dichotomy for a second……….
Dichotomy def – a division or contrast between two things that are or are represented as being opposed or entirely different. (Sorry but you maybe know I love my dictionary)
…………..remember how relieved you feel when you get home dry and warm with a comforting hot drink?………..Climb a mountain in the driving rain and you’ll think deeply about your lives?
I’ll probably still blog in 2017, it’ll be the same old sh#t 😀 no seriously I may, then again perhaps maybe not, we all feel like that? But to be honest I still enjoy posting now as if it was my first 2 years ago, the blog entry where I lost my virginity, you’d enjoy that one cause I’ve never been a more popular blogger since.
I would like to wish everyone who has read any of my posts, and please please 🙂 don’t ever take them too seriously, to anyone who’s read my comments or been a blog friend to me, I’d like to wish you a Happy Christmas. I’m off to my brother’s family tomorrow and really looking forward to it, hopefully their children will rid me of all my middle aged cynicism and the days will be fun! Apparently they are near besides themselves with excitement just the way Christmas should be.
(WordPress has been a joy and wonderful experience, primarily for the interesting people I’ve interacted with from many different countries, reading their fascinating blogs and of course having my very own. BUT there’s one other, WP has forded me the opportunity to share many personal photographs here and my previous blog, photos I haven’t viewed in years, well you don’t do you, I mean get old family photograph albums from a dusty draw, it just never happens and then JOY OF JOYS one or two people like them…….. absolutely fabulous.)
So here is a final selection of photos taken by me or my brother as we spent a wonderful week walking climbing the mountains in England’s Lake District! (Not that long ago btw).
Me clambering down a mountain (ok they aren’t that high compared to some in the world but the highest in England) however I cannot remember which one, and neither can I tell you the name of the peak that lays before me all I can say is was steep, frigging jars the knees coming down I can tell you!!!
The above pic is taken half way up or half way down? Notice as always a stream taking run off rain water from the mountain sides down to a Lake below. The Lake District is the rainiest area in England hence the land is always wet and green so you always needs rain gear in the rucksack.
My brother (below) surveying (I know lol) yet another magnificent Lake’s vista taken half way on the decent of a mountain peak, sorry I can’t tell you any of their names but it doesn’t matter just to say the ones we are facing are either walked and climbed on a previous day, or ones we intend to climb during the week, two physically fit outdoor men don’t travel all the way to the Lakes unless they are going to walk everyday.
A view from the top of I don’t know which one and that’s me bottom right sporting a well dodgy haircut!
I have to admit the photos are pulling at my heartstrings, I must go again. Below is I think two other walkers cause they’re not either my brother or me, as you’ll guess climbing the Lake District is a pretty solitary pastime and thank God for that!
Below is either actually me in a valley stream or jumping across big stones, did I get wet?
So that’s it, the last photo set taken of my brother and I walking holiday the Lake District. Thank you.
(When the following day I re read a post I’ve written, I wrote this last night, I think ‘geez Andrew could you try any harder to make people not like you?’ I’m tooo honest for my own good, I visited the young women for love, they said and I know I looked for love in the wrong place, a past life, 🙂 I’m tooo honest but I’ll carry on maybe in drafts only for myself, always feeling second best needs addressing or I’ll never move on.)
These next posts could be considered by some an exercise in self indulgence, but that’s fine I won’t argue 🙂 I enjoyed writing. Btw part 3 of Lake District photos will have to wait, they’re old ones and isn’t the point to a blog new material?
The reasons why two brothers can be so different fascinates me and truthfully always has done. Those of you with children or lucky enough to have brothers and sisters will have questioned many times in pure wonderment, how and why babies borne of the same mother’s womb, genetically closer than all other billions of human souls walking this planet put together, are so similar yet SO different? How can it be two brothers (or four sisters) are so unalike, contrasting individuals dissimilar in EVERY possible respect to the point one could be a good kind human being, his brother an evil degenerate yet both are borne of the same woman! Absolutely incredible! I was going to labour the point with four sisters, but you get the idea.
Don’t worry this isn’t a critical essay, just personal observations, themes I’ve wanted to put down in print for quite a while.
I’ve had a thought after writing, perhaps interpret the escorting anecdotes as a juxtaposition, defining how different we both are! One brother moral the other amoral, black and white have you will,chalk and cheese!
I’m hoping my brother never discovers my blog and certainly hope he NEVER happened across my first let alone read it! Omfg that’d create a stir in the family that’s for sure, though knowing my lovely sister-in-law she’d almost certainly laugh 😀 ……. I don’t think it’s fair to leave you in suspense, not say a little more about my first, enough to say I shared tales of my afternoons spent with 12 lovely ‘high end’ in call escorts, a fact I’m neither proud or ashamed of, I looked for love in the wrong place and in truth we did very little together, to me they were sweet kind fun young ladies and well that naughty past life is behind me now……… sometimes I wish I hadn’t deleted that old blog but then again maybe erasing a printed past life was and is quite cathartic.
So to my brother M. Interesting to me I’m not in the slightest bit envious or jealous of my brother I’m only glad he didn’t turn out similar to me, NOT that there’s anything wrong with me mind, I’m a nice kind man who’s never been in trouble, but then again maybe if a frequented brothel had been raided by the Police that could have taken some explaining away to family and employer!!!! Me knelt at the end of the bed, my head between a beautiful young ladies parted thighs licking her freshly washed pussy, sucking folds of labia whilst out stretched arms permitted me squeezing her tits playing with her nipples, only for the serious crime squad to bust through her door looking for hookers and their clients. They never did. And I know escorts faked orgasms, one older lady who used to say ” Oh yes……….Oh yes………Oh yes……….Oh yes…..’ in a monotone matter of fact fashion, forearm resting on her face covering her eyes sort of didn’t fake, I asked her after I’d finished:
“Did you enjoy”, to which she replied “yes” with a smile, “you are gentle and I haven’t the time for faking, either I enjoy or I don’t and you were very pleasant”………..I’ll settle for that 🙂
Oh yes I digress, my brother, like I said I’m neither jealous envious or consumed with anger that he has a life I don’t, his life’s always appeared easier luckier for him than for me but that’s fine, his seems MORE fun but like I said I’m neither a jealous or envious man. Christ those are destructive evil qualities in a person, throughout British history envious Kings and Princes have fought one another, the younger usually jealous the elder’s to marry THE gorgeous Princess, a sibling who has power wealth and influence. In Biblical times brothers have murdered because one is envious of the other, I’m not religious so I can’t tell you their names or stories, but I remember from Sunday School more than one instance a jealous man has murdered his brother because he didn’t have what the other possessed, Cain and Able? Or am I right off.
(Escorting intermission, a memory, laying face down on warm quilt on a comfy bed in some Chelsea village apartment block, her sat on my buttocks legs astride my hips, me feeling her wet pussy against my butt cheeks as she massaged ‘BOOTS’ own brand coconut butter into my tense shoulder muscles…… heaven….God I need to get laid again, but I’m never going to pay ever again no more of that stupidity! Lovely human beings.)
Back to my brother, so we have ascertained I love him and I’m not in the slightest bit jealous or envious, you see he is the complete opposite to me in every way possible so much so I’ve wondered whether my mother may have gotten up to something and we are in fact ‘that’ or adopted ONLY JOKING MOTHER!!!!! (I know not funny) Maybe I am adopted? How can two brothers be so different? Enough to say we are ‘chalk and cheese’ like Prince Harry and Prince William well come on they are products of different fathers, so different in looks, Lady Di was NOT virginal when she married Prince Charles and turns out neither was she chaste after marriage, she was lovely but as it turned out the tramp didn’t half sleep around, our Queen of Hearts had many lovers and I’m happy she enjoyed her time on earth God rest her soul, ok I’ll go to the Tower and lose my head for that slur BUT someone tell me I’m lying and sue me for slander!!! She knew many men and in my dreams I wish one of them had been me! Hell I’d f#ck my neighbour given the chance lol. Nah C. is a lovely husband.
(I nearly cut that last paragraph, but doesn’t the fact two Royal brothers are SO different fascinate us all? Fine young men but we all are a little curious.)
(Escorting intermission, do you know what I had an epileptic fit whilst visiting one escort, I paid her took a shower and whilst in her tiny flat’s bathroom showering door securely locked (why?) she was waiting naked the other side with MASSIVE firm round big tits, anyways as I was showering, water streaming down my body I suddenly slumped to the bottom of the bath for approximately 1 minute shaking profusely, and as always happens, recovered and composed myself just as quickly before regaining my balance and unsteadily standing again. Recovered I sort of stumbled out the bathroom and she never knew or suspected, an epileptic fit is different for every sufferer but for me a seizure comes on near instantly and the debilitating effects leave just as quickly consequently I doubt she ever suspected. Would have freaked her out I know! Then move on 2 minutes and I was f#cking her missionary position on her double bed in a dimly lit Soho boudoir, incidentally BBC Radio 2 was playing in the back round for some reason, as I came all I could remember was some guy reading the London traffic news, sexy hey?)
So I hope you’ve ascertained my brother is totally different and I’m cool with the fact. For those still with me finally I’ve reached the point where I’d like to tell you something about him, M. is tall good looking, witty, charming, had many friends and acquaintances throughout his life, a very personable man who will talk to anyone, chatting with him is like meeting an old friend, as comfortable as if you’d known him for years. He’s University educated and highly intelligent, now employed as a Hospital clinical physician, and if you’re interested he research’s genetic abnormalities present in unborn children, avert your eyes for this next part. I don’t mean to be nasty, part of his job entails carrying a cool box from ward to lab (so I gather) carrying dead newly born babies or foetus, in of course a very caring dignified manner, he cares! Then his Department carries out important research, end results which may help you, a family member or someone you know who’s trying to have a baby. Not palatable but life changing important after conceiving.
M. in both personality and moral outlook takes after my mother and her father respectfully, there exists a direct genetic humane link in every way possible, he is thoughtful good and kind, implicitly knows and understands the difference between right and wrong, we all think we do, but he understands a problem or judgement as black or white, and if you listen to his opinion there is no colour grey, if you were to say something controversial or important he’d make clear right or wrong, but he’s not in the slightest bit arrogant patronising or condescending, in fact I’ve never met anyone where just through the art of conversation an issue or whatever can be so clear cut….then again we think like that 🙂
(Please don’t go thinking I’m a blogger who circles the globe visiting exotic places that make you wish ‘if only’, no these are ‘snaps’ taken on an annual holiday and little more, not quite sure why I needed to say that but there you are, and I know a lady in SA enjoys them 🙂 ).
I would describe the first picture as me ‘taking in’ the breath taking scenery before me, as I described in my previous post rain water from the ‘Fells’ forms streams which flow between tall mountains making their way down to valleys deep below, finally outpouring into lakes named and referred to as ‘Waters’, i.e. Ullswater, Derwent Water, Coniston Water…. When standing on top of mountains affront magnificent views such as this I guess it’s hard not to contemplate life itself, clearing the mind of what and what is important, existence of God questions? Maybe. And yes many hundreds of poets have been inspired to write great prose on these mountains.
What thoughts are crossing my mind I wonder? I can’t remember but I have a strong guess they are profound and of great worth……….. am I overstating their importance? I have a guess not, you’ll understand my meaning, when faced with such beauty ones mind is cleared of work, mortgages, bills and bs………….just for a minute anyway.
What an earth ever happened to those green ‘outdoor’ trousers? They were awesome as my young nephew would say!
Me again clambering up a steep ravine of loose rock and shale.
Looking at my photo below, I’m curious, could taking a bad photo in the LDNP actually be possible? Mind you l do feel slightly melancholic right now, and I’m contemplating where I maybe going on holiday next year!
You may have guessed my brother is fitter than me! Hence he’s the one at the top waiting to take photographs. And if you’re at all wondering my brother and I do get along, we are ‘chalk and cheese’ totally different, though we’re fine together. But similar to most siblings we can only go so many days before an err disagreement lol. You can never bs a sibling can you…….not that we were but you get my drift!
Two thoughts, I considered sharing all my photographs (taken by me) at once, also including a L D poem sourced from the internet, like William Wordsworth’s ‘Daffodils’, but no a selection at a time is fun and secondly, honestly after reading famous poems I prefer the poetry written by WordPress bloggers……seriously! I’ve never been more serious, controversial maybe but so true, please don’t ever underestimate your creativity skill imagination and talent.
The Lake District National Park has probably THE most beautiful scenic views in all of England, wild remote ‘Fells’, breath taking scenery and a landscape possessing the highest mountains in England, btw the guy below carrying a purple rucksack on his back is in fact my brother……… several years ago we camped and walked many miles together.
My brother again! I guess his winter fleece jacket and snow capped Fells gives away the time of year, summer or winter the Lake District is magnificently beautiful and incidentally some of you may know the scenery has inspired many famous writers and poets from years gone by.
Driving slowly pushing our way through sheep which populate the mountains by the thousands………..oh and if you know the region you’ll appreciate the Lakes are the wettest part of the UK……..I’ve visited and experienced rain every single day to such an extent my walking boot soles ‘fell off’ the leather being so wet and saturated with water.
At the foot of the mountains, icy cold streams carry water off the ‘Fells’ filling lakes known as ‘Waters’, so calm and still possessing such great length water speed records have been broken and lives lost…….Sir Malcom Campbell.
I shouldn’t apologise for my absence should I, 🙂 I know I haven’t posted for a while which is ok just appreciate I read every post my favourite bloggers share, whether poetry, mental illness, paintings, relationship advice, movie reviews and so much more. A ‘Forest Gump’ analogy often comes to mind when trying to sum up my WP reading experiences, the blogs I Follow could be ‘like a box of chocolates’…….. 🙂 an eclectic ‘mixed bag 😀 ‘ of diverse entertaining, wonderful prose writings and photographs. I guess the blogs we all follow are a reflection of own lives loves interests and problems, God knows lol what people make of mine but thank you for your time spent here ❤
Anyways there you are, truth be known I get very tired these days plus I need to get laid, a big mistake writing when one needs to masturbate and release all that pent up sexual tension, a f#ck buddy sounds wonderful and orgasmic, do you know what, a lady I once chatted with over coffee in a railway station cafeteria hinted at something perhaps every blogger should take heed of,
“Andrew, the trouble is darling, I developed feelings for my f#ck buddy, fell for him a little and then he stopped emailing……..but on the plus I tried anal for the first time!”
The lady and I parted on friendly terms but I’d wished for so much more (love), between you and me I briefly cried on the train ride home, only for a minute or so but I did shed a tear oh and incidentally by pure accident I’d touched her boobs, Christ you can go to prison these days for ‘accidents’ like that! That evening I worriedly apologised by email and she replied saying she “didn’t mind”, calling me “rather cheeky” which was a relief!
You see as I pulled away after a rather long embrace, the palms of my hands stroked the lace sides of her rather large bra cups and note she was wearing a thin cotton blouse at the time!……..I don’t mind admitting I fell in love with her and THAT’S why I know for certain internet dating just isn’t for me, you see I fall in love too easily and I have a feeling I could get my heart broken or worse!
Many months later when the lady blogger and I were sitting together at a table in some provincial railway station café, all very Trevor Howard and Celia Johnson and the Brief Encounter movie comparisons wasn’t lost on me, there we both were excitedly enjoying discussing our lives together, when she very loudly announced,
“Well Andrew you DO have a rather nice cock”, giving rise to a young lady seated at a table close by to turn her head and throw my blog friend a look of shocked slightly stunned disbelieve, well you would wouldn’t you, then seconds later having composed herself she smiled and returned to whatever she was doing, you’ll glean from that remark my friend and I had become kinda blog intimate exchanging photographs!!
A…N…D…R…E…W stop right there!
Anyways enough of that silliness, remember my previous post? The one where I’d intended to share photos of scenic views taken in and around the Lake District National Park? Only I didn’t preferring instead to write about a bus stop liaison, well for those of you who care lol I never met the lady again, the days passed by and I don’t know after a while meeting her again seemed not such a good idea. AND I certainly wasn’t returning just out of an inquisitiveness, no I’d never half heartedly play with another persons emotions like that, either I seriously wished to get to know her, or I didn’t, there is NO in between.
I promise my next blog will be personal photographs taken in and around the Lake District National Park.
Continued………………… (Please don’t confuse my 2 tales, remember the lady I met last Wednesday, we DIDN’T have sex at a bus stop! That’s another story)
‘……sex, fun, laughter and cuddles over we went our separate ways, after all the evening was only ever ‘one night sex’, yes I know I’d said I like to meet her again but I doubt it, NO!…………… 😀 ….I desperately want to tell all but I promised myself earlier best to be discreet and not kiss and tell, so nothing of our evening and quite right tooo even though I enjoy writing about sex, best left, enough said! So after a lovely evening together I let myself out of her electronically controlled front door into a freezing pitch black late December evening, and yes Oxford was more than a little cold last Wednesday with a dusting of white powdered frost adhered to car windscreens. After a couple of minutes walking alongside a busy main road I made out the figure of someone small standing at a bus stop ahead, I have epilepsy and don’t drive so public transport being very good in Oxford, whichever direction I walked tonight I knew I’d come across one soon enough, then jump aboard a bus that’ll take me into town.
As I approached the bus stop lit only by a street lamp illuminating a dull orange glow onto the figure beneath, with every step forward the person became clearer, so much so by the time I reached the stop I could see she was in fact, yes a lady! Aged 40’ish with an attractive face, dark hair and Oxford being so multicultural these days I just knew she wasn’t English. Her appearance apart I also realised she was wearing a rather worried expression across her face and I think I understood why, several months ago, only 200 metres from this point a girl had been abducted and raped, so seeing her standing alone still surprises me even now because ever since the rape police have instructed women not to walk the streets alone at night, err maybe that’s why she was so nervous and visibly apprehensive. Thinking about it witnessing me approaching out of the gloom then stopping right in front of her must have been lol chilling, rapist or not I could have robbed verbally abused or assaulted her…………you should read the Oxford Mail, a lot’s been happening recently.
Writing here and now I’m unsure who struck up our conversation first, no idea and it doesn’t really matter or does it? Anyway acquaintances made for the next 15 minutes or so we made small talk, chatted about those inconsequential silly things in life that strangers talk about, you know how cold we were, the costs of living in Oxford, infrequent buses not running to schedule, ‘silly old me’ stories always so adorable……….. and as time ticked by she visibly relaxed, even smiling with occasional laughter. And we learnt a little more about each other such as she had a hard evening’s work ahead of her, apparently after taking a bus into town she then had to take a bus out again to one of the surrounding villages for what I can gather was her cleaning job, hard work and yes I was correct she wasn’t English, that’s fine by me btw, and at a guess I would say she was Spanish, I’m probably way off but she was of Mediterranean descent.
So there we were making small talk having a right ole jolly time, she’s friendly and personable and I’m being my usual polite self smiling and chatty. We’re told within three minutes we can judge whether we like someone or not and well I’m an open book, what you see is what you get, so know doubt by now she’d have worked out I’m a pleasant good natured guy and definitely never a threat, further still if someone nasty had approached I would have looked out for her.
After 15 minutes getting to know each other the bus comes into view stopping alongside us, surprising to me whilst boarding the bus she’s still chatting, then she pays seating herself several rows into the bus, I show my pass, follow and involuntarily as I always do, walk right past her sitting further at the rear. Yep I pass her by, happens all the time, nothing there you might think and you’re probably correct, always Correct! But on this occasion as the bus pulled away a feeling of dread flooded over me, should I have sat down next to her and carried on chatting? I think I should have, this evenings circumstances seemed a little different yet true to form, quite unwittingly I’d sat somewhere else, I hadn’t taken the chance to be well just sociable! What am I supposed to do now? Nervous is my character and I hadn’t meant anything by walking by…….. but too late now, f#ck, my indifference must have appeared rudeness. Yep I left her in peace our brief human interaction at an end, which after all ha been little more than relaxed social banter, and no doubt she’s happy and relieved not to be standing alone in the dark next to a road busy with cars driving past. ‘Yes’ I say to myself, she’s probably not given me a second thought sitting behind her. OR should I have taken the risk of overstaying my welcome by moving and sitting next to her? Bothering her have you will, annoying her, misreading an earlier human interaction as a brief encounter we all enjoy every single day and repeated thousands of times a day.
I should’ve sat next to her!!!!
Now please understand what I’m about to say next is intended as tongue in cheek, not at all to be taken seriously, but I ask what if she was the one? What if this friendly Spanish lady who’d enjoyed our safe convivial conversation moments earlier had been the ONE for me? What if she was sitting there a front of me hoping I’d sat alongside her continuing to chat where she’d left off, or perhaps she’d instantly forgotten me occupying her thoughts with the hard evening’s work ahead perhaps money to earn for her children’s Christmas presents? But of course I’ll never know will I, I never sat next to her, in order to find out what happens next in our lives we have to take emotional rational risks or you end up single middle aged lonely and living on your own………like me! I know lol sad in so many ways, I should have warned you but as I said I wasn’t going to write this post.
So all these evenings later let’s just put our warmth and friendliness down to Wednesday’s circumstances or whatever, as for saying maybe she was the one, think of that silly statement as all tongue in cheek. However true life brief encounters do happen and sometimes they do end in love, silly talk I know but if there is a moral to this tale then it must be “seize the day!”
Ok I know having thoughts dilemmas and questions such as these could drive a man insane, so just understand I’m an extremely sensible guy, all day everyday I talk with women, married or female students and I never confuse friendliness for romance, after all crossing paths or working with the fair sex is well life itself! I’m a chatty small talk sort of guy, whether the woman sat at a supermarket checkout or the young lady sat next to me on a train who shared her sweets on our journey to Leeds, (and note I wasn’t giving sweets to unknown women got make that clear lol these days!) Where was I , oh yes thoughts of interacting with women, happens all the time without thoughts of love ever entering my mind, but tonight this Spanish lady seemed, well a little different.
Perhaps her humour friendliness smiles and willingness to talk was shear relief! Perhaps she’d been frightened to death seeing me approach out of the gloom then breathed an almighty sigh of relief on seeing I was a nice guy, unthreatening and friendly her knowing Oxford is now such a dangerous City. But f#ck what if she’d hoped I’d sat down next to her, chatted for a few minutes longer, you never know this pleasant middle aged man may have made an impression on her by the time we’d reached our final destination? The trouble with me is I’m a hopeless romantic perhaps I’ve seen the movie ‘Sleepless in Seattle’ one tooo many times.
I know I know introspective thoughts like these are pointless and questions of ‘what might have been’ could like I said drive a man insane, but perhaps tonight has been a wake up call, a good lesson……….. hmmm me thinks it’s time I should take a walk in the fresh air!
…………….finally you may be wondering, ‘Andrew the lady you had sex with earlier, is she not your soul mate?’ Good question which deserves a non flippant answer……… I’d like to tell more but some things are better left unsaid except to say we should never confuse sex with being in love, to the point perhaps you shouldn’t have sex with someone unless you truly love them and vice versa….best I can do I’m afraid.’
Written last night, all very embarrassing 🙂 Andrew
After first titling my post ‘Sex and a lady at the bus stop’, I’ve just remembered I have a tale to tell which in fact involves sex AT a bus stop!…….Hmmm that’s a story for some other time but alas I didn’t f#ck her behind that skip after she’d finished with my friends……….. one of the biggest regrets of my life, I had the chance, she wanted to but another friend stopped me for good reasons, he knew I’d had tooo much to drink, he looked after me and must have sensed our evening out together was in danger of getting out of hand. But still pulling her off me whilst we were kissing at the bus stop does seem a little mean all these years later and NO she was NOT a hooker! (Btw we were all age 17, us boys, her and all her friends?)
Don’t despair, bare with me, my introduction misogyny and silliness done with, this post is very much more personal than usual and very much written for me, so much so I very nearly disabled likes and comments, we’ll see.
Introspection is all very well as long as there’s a point to self analysis, looking inwards questioning why life isn’t how I’d like it to be or would like it to be can quickly make way to feeling sorry for oneself, and wallowing in self pity isn’t a pretty sight further still brooding over life’s regrets can be self destructive! Then again, time to time reflecting on one’s direction in life doesn’t hurt once in a while and where better place to write than on a blog.
Talking of blogs, do you 😀 really need to know or want to understand the reason why? Why I haven’t been here? No not really because you all have lives to lead, so Andrew of what cryptic nonsense do you speak? I began November blogging a post everyday for 18 days but then a week ago I stopped, now understand I’ve been chastised in the past for apologising so I won’t, all I will say is I squeezed a boob and licked a nipple Wednesday evening……………..a HUMAN female breast I might add!!!!!!……….I know she sounds fantastic but being with her wasn’t love and I’m someone who wants to be in love and hates being single one night stands are ok I guess, you know sex then go your separate ways, but lust is a deadly sin for a good reason, sex without love is well…..a little pointless.
Why am I still single and living on my own? How did I come to be a bachelor when all I’ve ever wanted needed is to be in a loving relationship? I’m not going to even try to explain why just understand the reasons are complicated, the opposite sex confuse and baffle me and I’ve NEVER been skilled at reading a woman’s body language or the signals she gives of herself?
Whether you can live with a lady is immaterial, just know you can’t live without her…….. 🙂 ahhh.
Over the past two years I’ve followed hundreds of ladies writing of their relationship happiness also heart rending horrific tales here on WordPress. True stories of living with controlling abusive narcissistic partners and the emotional scars and wounds their abusers behaviour leave behind, and yes I felt desperately sad for the ladies and their predicaments to the point I stopped reading because they upset me so….. you see I feel tremendous empathy towards people enduring sadness and hardship, reading was I guess a form of voyeurism but at the same time their accounts were so upsetting I sensed they were also emotionally damaging and yes unhealthy so I had to stop…… there’s only so much of other peoples sadness you can take on board!!!
But rather selfishly I’m questioning myself tonight, asking myself ‘why the hell am I still single when I’d never treat another woman so awfully?’ I’m a nice man, horrible word I know but it’ll suffice 🙂 I’m a nice guy I enjoy the company of women, I’m respectful polite and never arrogant, I listen often captivated by their femininity humour, very often amused by their funny little ways and of course I enjoy their sexuality always at a respectful distance mind!! However I live alone and internet dating isn’t the answer………..f#cking nightmare……don’t ever bother.
A married friend of mine says women are a different species, unfathomable emotionally irrational sometimes a little unstable, however he wouldn’t wish to be unmarried for all the world, by all accounts my friend and his wife argue, as do all couples but they obviously still love each other because they’ve reached 50 together! Btw he’s also a gobshite who says during sex he’ll gaze at the bedroom wallpaper just so as to take his mind off the job in hand, apparently convincing himself ‘to redecorate’, ‘musing over colour schemes’, ‘setting a start date’ apparently mundane thoughts help prolong the intercourse, you know leave the moment of ejaculation for as long a time as possible, he says “it keeps her happy!”
😀 Back to me! Why AM I still single? I’m a nice man, I would never strike a woman, I have never sworn in front of a lady to the point this week I told a guy off at work for saying fuck and shit in front of a young Pakistani lady, his defence was she’s just a technician like the rest of us, BULLSHIT she’s a lady and he (my boss) was being a disrespectful misogynistic bastard! Afterwards I spoke to her and she said she wasn’t offended, laughed the abuse off because it wasn’t personal but I differ, work aggravation or not the issue wasn’t her fault and she didn’t need to witness language like that. I’m an honourable man, there are standards and rules, yes she works on a par in a man’s world but she’s still a lady and should be treated as such.
HOWEVER I’m not perfect, far from it, I’m prone to sulking rather than shouting and swearing, I guess my retort to difficult interpersonal situations is to go all ‘silent treatment’ you know act in a very childish manner, ‘you’ve upset me so I’m not speaking to you any more’ all very juvenile but so much better than lashing out verbally.
Btw I didn’t sit down to write a post about relationships, believe it or not I intended to share photographs I taken in the Lake District a UK national park, so heaven knows how I came to be questioning why I’m still single? Btw ‘WHY’ is a long long story too complicated for even WordPress tonight or ever!!!! I’ll leave photos for another day and see where this unplanned post goes?