Depression spring 2016, (adult themes )

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This caught my eye! (Google image)

My FINAL post of 2016, one to look back on because next year will be a new beginning and a time to move on and see where 2017 takes me.

Ok 🙂 I understand talk of Depression and Mental illness isn’t an attractive subject to blog about which could be sympathetically answered from me thus, I’ve shied away from personal posts preferring to hopefully entertain, my take on blogging is do ‘we’ really need other peoples negativity in our own lives? Do ‘you’ need me draining your spirit humour and energy from the cheery blogger who just this minute sat down then scrolled their Reader hoping to be ‘entertained’ by my rather eclectic posts?

Of course you don’t but hold on perhaps I’m assuming too much, we’re told by mental health professionals that 1 in 4 of us at some point in our lives will suffer from mental illness, anyways like it or not sharing my following true story is meant as a thank you to a lovely lady, I’ll call her I. and yes I hope to convey a positive message, not because suicide is any subject to be taken lightly, no I consider the reply email from lady blogger I. uplifting.

First my message to lady I.

‘I promised to write I. and keeping one’s word is good manners when you yourself give of so selflessly, so please bare in mind I’m not showing off and as always what I have to say is honestly written……..God don’t I half go on!!!!

I have a worry connected to a theme you’ve addressed in an earlier post, I have worries writing about a past attempt to harm myself, and the ‘why’ is because it’s a known fact revealing detail does and can trigger copycat behaviour amongst mentally vulnerable people, hence I’ve given little detail. However I’m still a little concerned, you are a beautiful soul both inside and out, just remember I’m ok and haven’t the nerve to go through with anything anyway, and neither do I wish to emotionally drain you with my self indulgence, which you’ve intimated has happened in the past. But I have a guess you enjoy if that’s the right word, by reading your comments you seem to find listening and interacting quite therapeutic probably because you are both skilled and knowledgeable when confronted with other peoples mental problems……let’s qualify that remark with ‘other people’s tales’……..you’d make a good agony Aunt plus you’ve a wicked sense of humour and brilliant turn of phrase.

But don’t feel you have to reply, all’s good, this afternoon’s been nice to talk and I’m feeling very relaxed right now.

So you’ll guess I once attempted to end my life, happened in Spring this year and I obviously didn’t, either through weakness or whatever I couldn’t and ultimately a Police intervention stopped me carrying out my wicked selfish act, however consequences of that afternoon’s events meant enduring a series of compulsory interviews sat opposite an NHS psychiatrist all because I was deemed at risk. Then later I had to sit through harsh words from my GP……..and what annoys me still to this day, by talking confidentially with a mental health professional, giving completely of myself in detail, revealing my naked soul and darkest secrets is all very good, but then ‘he’ went and told my GP every single sordid detail! There I was weeks later in my doctors consulting room, him reading transcripts word for word verbatim of what I’d said, embarrassing if nothing else, and not being told I’d been previously recorded was wrong, and has put me off from ever talking to a health professional ever again!

(Next year this will change.)

There you are, my GP’s a decent guy but I must admit this experience has stopped me from ever bringing this subject up again with anyone, which is both frustrating and very depressing. I can see why mental health professionals are careful, why they follow guidelines and strict procedures but if you can’t speak confidentially with a ‘shrink’ then what an earth is the point? So consequently I’ve learnt being candid with a stranger can have horrendous consequences and ramifications, then what happens if I’m Sectioned like my father was still a young man suffering from depression.

Anyways back to me and living with the consequences of what turned out to be reckless honesty. Ok let’s say it happened again and at worst I’m sectioned into a hospital, what then when I return to work?

I. I have the feeling living on my own is at the heart of my emotional problems and depression (this hurts saying). I must admit the older and wiser I get, also the relationship problems I observe in others and that well worn saying, ‘Women! You can’t live with them you can’t live without them (applies to men also)’ rings truer and truer, can two people live happy every after? I guess the upside to living with someone is sex which I miss, the downside is rows and arguments, I know a lady who nags at her husband to the point ‘lol’ I feel like saying “for f#cks sake woman give the guy a break!!” Trouble is I quite like my balls so I’ll keep my mouth shut, but BUT hold on! I’d take a relationship with all its pitfalls any day, a long story is why not………just say ahh!!

My past sex life and don’t judge too harshly, <personal> were fun, yes I visited beautiful 20 something <personal> who doted on me, but to be completely honest I came away feeling a chat with her would have been more fun, a kiss cuddle and sharing a cup of tea would have been more emotionally rewarding, physically fulfilling than her sucking my dick with her large brown doe eyes gazing deep into mine………… and if there’s one truth I’ve learnt in my years walking this awful planet populated with nasty people, I know for certain sex is a pointless waste of time and energy unless two people love each other, I would have to emotionally connect with the woman I’m f#cking, if not I’m content being celibate hence I haven’t been with an <personal> in several years. Sex I don’t miss because it has to be shared with someone I love and who loves me in return.

I guess you’re maybe thinking, ‘Well Andrew ty lol for nothing, you’ve written many words with out saying a great deal’, and rereading I’m inclined to agree (this hasn’t been edited or toyed with btw). However I. I think this is by far my most honest post and I’ve yes enjoyed sharing two facts with you. Firstly I have a deep seated mistrust opening up to mental health professionals again, perhaps I did everything wrong way round before, perhaps if I’d seen and talked with my GP before attempting to self harm, even though I don’t think I’m a strong enough man to go through with such a wicked crime, perhaps if I’d began by telling him of my depression he would have been more willing to help, trouble is depression induced acts aren’t thought through and rational are they! And because my GP knows what happened I haven’t been back in 8 months and I’m unsure if I ever want to again. I’d guess if he and I talked now, always in the back of his mind would be my admission in that bloody transcript………he totally clammed up after and I have a guess to why.

Secondly I’ve perhaps already answered my own question, I have a strong feeling I’m depressed because I’m single, I hate coming home on an evening, opening the front door and hearing complete silence as I step across the threshold, it would be nice to receive a kiss “hello honey” and cuddle, and of course you’ll know as fact, single men are more at risk of self harm, loneliness is a contributing factor, awful, such is life.

Incidentally I can honestly say the one person who seemed to really care, seemed genuinely interested in my life story was the Policewoman who found me and who later drove me to the Station and interviewed, she chatted with me and admitted to her own depression, on the day in question this lovely lady had an ability to understand and share the feelings of another, an empath have you will, and I’ve never met anyone show such kindness and concern before or since. But yes I realise she was being completely professional, and she was very sweet………..plus I’m a sucker for a pretty smile 😀 no joking apart she cared.

🙂 I’m feeling ok yet resigned to knowing I’ll always go through life thinking ‘what’s the point?’ You’ll understand for those who don’t give a f#ck getting through the day can be like trudging through proverbial treacle, so don’t worry I’m ok, also as of this moment smiling.

(You kindly gave me your email, but a post for you seemed best, if you’ve found it interesting that’s brilliant and really enough, think a post is best, you may feel uncomfortable seeing me in your inbox 😀 )

Do you consider my true and honest tale positive or wicked and self indulgent? Don’t answer.

I hope I. doesn’t mind me posting extracts from her email, maybe, she hoped I’d post my bit so all’s good. 🙂 So here is an edited version of her email reply and if you are feeling rather low I think you may take comfort from the information she replied, judge me, but just know lady I. is very lovely very knowledgeable.

‘<personal>……………………I’m glad you had that positive experience with the police woman 😊  That kind of thing makes all the difference when you’re at rock bottom. With the psychiatrist, because it was an urgent care assessment, in other words to ascertain whether your risk of completing suicide was sufficient for you to be detained under the mental health act, everything is written down and recorded verbatim in quotation marks. That is how it is, as they have a duty of care to communicate between professionals. They should have made that clear at the outset though. Some GPs are shit with mental health and uncomfortable discussing it openly. Some are great. It’s a lottery. You can always book in with a new GP, but a suicide attempt/crisis assessment will always be on your mental health records so a new person will see it too. That is for your own benefit. So people know you have been vulnerable and they need to be attentive and take care of you well. It is not a weapon to judge a patient with. It is just how the system works. But I understand your fear and worry of stigma. I didn’t visit the doctor for years after I was first diagnosed with clinical depression at 16. But now I think fuck it. If I need a doctor I’ll see one, and I’m not gonna worry how I might be perceived. No mental health care is confidential. None of it. But that is because it is important all NHS people have an awareness of your history………………<personal>……………………
 
………….<personal>……….. And about being single, feeling depressed about that and feeling lonely is understandable. I have a depressed male friend at the moment which has been desperately unhappy for this reason. I get it. Companionship and sex and intimacy is a gift, so when it’s lacking we will feel emptiness. Personally I feel depressed emptiness and loneliness myself even though I’m married. It is more typical than we think it is. I know that an awareness that other people feel the same doesn’t help you feel better, but it’s a small comfort I hope. Your feelings are valid and reasonable in your life circumstances. I’m sorry this is how your personal life is just now, but it is temporary, not forever 😊  ………………’
I’m unsure how to finish this post, not usually a problem for me, 60 posts and I’ve never had a problem, 200 if you count my previous blog, usually I write ‘just be sure my next post won’t be anything like this one’. Back to this post and being unsure how to tie up loose ends, I can’t because there are NO easy answers to mental health issues, all I hope is you may at least find my tale and lady I. useful information and if you think you need to seek professional help.
© Andrew 🙂
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4 thoughts on “Depression spring 2016, (adult themes )

  1. Can I briefly extend elaborate, I honestly didn’t know the thinking meant that word, yes we all own our destiny, we all take responsibility for our actions so yes I agree thinking isn’t selfish, but from the little I know (like a recent BBC series on mental illness) families of the lost person DO consider their loved one’s act selfish on them, the consequences are awful, children partners parents are bereft at the loss of their loved one and from what I see can be angry. Summer I’m careful with what I write and say because our minds are irrational often confused and unreadable as a ‘fucked up laptop’ (lol good that wasn’t it!) Where was I ? Human’s are irrational hence I’m careful what I write and last night I lay awake thinking you MUST promise I haven’t affected you, you MUST promise 🙂 x ,briefly again my Uncle took his own life long story, and my step aunt all these years later still hasn’t recovered, she never will fully, she loved my Uncle dearly, everyone said they were a perfect match, it’s along story, but the point is he wasn’t selfish yes mentally unwell, BUT his act was selfish on my Aunt…………… 🙂 you’ll understand, and your future work with MIND has me thinking, so positive.

    Like you I’m proud EVERY word I’ve written in two years is true, that makes me so so happy, reading my silly posts knowing every sordid lol thing I did lol, happened, alnd know one knows about the ladies, dick sucking and money apart from a handful of strange women bloggers, that makes me smile big time, so consequence I maybe confuse you because I can be happy, can be unstable have AvPD and depression but I cloak a little, I guess I see talking a sign of weakness? Anyways I’m fine, writing has been good. AND remember you’re a busy woman don’t feel you’re obliged to reply to my wittering but I wanted to point that out, all’s good ‘Mrs chick’ (haha 😀 (play on your email if you don’t get it!!!!!!!) Have a good Bank Holiday.

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  2. I know almost nothing about you, so I can only speak from my perspective of being single forever and longing for a functioning relationship, and what I find within myself is that I am not really sure that having a happy relationship would make me happy. You know the story: we humans always long for things we do not have, so once there is that special someone in my life, does he guarantee my happiness or will I just continue to search for something else? Knowing myself quite well, I can say with almost 100% confidence that it would be the second. What I have discovered over the long years of longing in loneliness is that I must find things that make me feel content with myself and that those things must be unconnected to anyone else outside me. Besides, my misery is caused by my negative thoughts and not by objective situation I find myself in. So I try to control my thoughts and to prevent them from making me sad. And it works. I still long for that special someone, but I know that even if he never comes, my life will be full of wonderful things. Just some food for your thoughts maybe.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for such a quite beautifully written reply and such interesting observations, I just had to quickly respond because I’m going to my mother’s soon, however I want to reply later in length because there’s so much I’d like to answer in response without rushing right here and now and not properly saying how I feel. 🙂 Andrew

      Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve been thinking about your comment today and will reply with an actual post HOWEVER I won’t of course refer to your blog name. Hopefully as you say relationship thoughts from a single man will be interesting, 🙂 hopefully! Incidentally I recently had a similar conversation with a divorced lady blogger.

      But the post may be a few days.

      Liked by 1 person

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