Sunday Roast with Mum. St. Peter and his blessed gates!

A work colleague and very good friend once said to me “Andrew the trouble with you is you think tooo much”, and do you know what, the more I learn and the longer I live I’m convinced overthinking is part of a human being’s DNA, you cannot change the way you are genetically programmed can you. A thought crossed my mind the other day, I do hope readers don’t think my posts are taken from my old blog or worse still penned years ago! Nope, every clumsily written Post is idly dreamt up at work and drafted a day or so before publishing. I’ve been thinking of stopping for a while, don’t get me wrong I adore WordPress and I WILL MOST definitely continue reading the bloggers I follow because I enjoy them tooo much, the only downside is their talented use of language and composition shows up my inadequacies as a writer or perhaps it’s a lack of ideas? You see my life is empty and uncomplicated when I should strive and strive again to fill it with joy, I can’t help thinking my inability to meet a female, become friends, marry or partner up will haunt me till my dying day………… but that’s ok, that’s life I guess, I have a LOT to be thankful for but I get this awful dreaded premonition over thinking may have screwed my whole life up! Come the fateful day when I reach those pearly gates and St. Peter says “So Andrew what have you done with your life my friend?”  I’ll answer “Not a lot Peter, you see I squandered it, I wasted that most precious of gifts time itself” and yes St. Peter will be angry, I’m sure it’ll be anger and not pity such a disgusting trait feeling sorry for oneself. Yep I fucked up big time and I never did get to have sexual intercourse in a car, that’s a big regret, love making in a car may not seem that important to you but it’s a major rights of passage between apprentice engineers electricians and practical young men, God the stories and b*llsh*t I’ve had to listen to lunch break after lunch break, lurid tales lavished by thirty of the greatest seventeen year old lads you could ever hope to meet, amazing disclosures explaining the complexities of getting a girls knickers off in the back seat of his first car, let alone the mountain that is giving the young lady a right good seeing to, surely position cowgirl in a mini metro is a physical impossibility? Or maybe a BJ is nearer the truth 😀 some of life’s more memorable stories are born of comradery. I’ve slept with quite a few women in my life, fourteen to be exact (is that above average?), but casual internet relationships and the like don’t count do they, (perhaps I’ve been far tooo honest here this past two years, distasteful even, disgusted readers). Where was I, yes true love is finding a good woman, however there’s another popular definition of love favoured by many bloggers, namely ‘soul mates’, turns out finding your soul mate is love’s Holy Grail, no? Perhaps you’ve been reading the wrong blogs then, but seriously finding one’s soul mate happens 🙂 ………… where was I? Yes that flipping St. Peter……….perhaps come my fateful judgement day, it’ll finally dawn on me I should have spent my life believing in a God instead of being so dismissive of religion and spirituality, would a belief in a higher being, a supreme creator have cured me of my apathy, regrets and thoughts of missed opportunities, squandering gifts God given, not taking risks may have cost me dear? In my defence the odd lucky break would have been appreciated, I’ve never fully come to terms or coped well living with my drug resistant epilepsy this past twenty five years, not withstanding ‘the however many years that still remain’, that’s the real killer……………………….. :/ trouble is I don’t believe in a God, hmm this is a very self indulgent post but hey my blog and all that. For what it’s worth I’m convinced the real point to life is wait for it! The meaning of life ‘is to love and be loved’, simple as, without love living is meaningless and yes pointless, you may just as well be dead because your soul will be. My brother has a wife with children, I try not to envy him but increasingly I kinda do 🙂 they’re such fabulous witty fun loving boys, the family all love each other and I’d bet M. and J. (parents) don’t wake up on a morning and throw the towel in, they can’t can they! There’s mouths to feed, clothes to pay for and they’re both blessed with love and fun that comes with having children.

Best stop there 🙂

So 😀 after making clear my posts are original and new, today’s short tale is taken from Sunday last and I’d agree it’s not the most riveting of reads lol, however it’s honest to the core….and brief 🙂

The dinner plate of delicious looking food below is often referred to as Britain’s traditional English Sunday roast dinner, and that particular one in the photograph was captured at my mother’s last Sunday lunch time, but please note the choice of meat can vary, perhaps pork chicken or my absolute favourite lamb with mint sauce! Wow what a combination!!!

So there you are, my dinner consisted of roast beef, roast potatoes, broccoli, cauliflower, runner beans (growing in her garden fifteen minutes earlier) and two Yorkshire puddings and not for getting gravy made from the meat juices…………yum yum.

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…………… the photo below taken by me show’s mum stirring the gravy…………

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Mum making the gravy and Holly

…………and the photo below shows me washing up after we’ve eaten!

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Holly the Collie and me washing up afterwards

So a question for you, 🙂 who gets the better deal, me having a Sunday roast made for me by mum? Or mum taking her dog for a long walk down by the river, through the meadows or circling the reservoir nature reserve? Personally I think I get the better deal, mum probably thinks she does because she’s a little arthritis and Holly has boundless energy, mind you two hours exercising in the rain is heavenly fun (hmm inadvertently back to Peter)………….AND don’t forget I do the washing up! 😀

I can cook for myself, everyone should be able to feed themselves in a civilised society, however I find preparing a meal hassle after a days work, anyways I’ll finish this post on an up note, popping over to mum’s for Sunday roast is richly anticipated and sincerely appreciated once eaten!

© Andrew

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Throwing a ball with Holly the collie Sunday.

I’m annoyed, thoroughly brassed off and extremely tired, I have just spent the last hour writing a family themed Post which after pressing preview disappeared from view, consequently all my hard work is gone lost forever!

So tonight in place of my ‘long lost masterpiece’, here’s a video I filmed Sunday afternoon and for those of you who haven’t read earlier Posts Holly is the family collie 🙂 

I’ve shared pet photos time to time on Blog Andrew, I ‘snapped’ the one below whilst staying over at my brother’s Christmas 2016……….ok that’s seven months ago but what the heck who doesn’t like doggy photos?………….And by the look of all that torn paper I think she’s just finished opening someone else’s present!!!

Holly Xmas

Incidentally you may remember Holly is a rescue dog who’d spent the early years of her life kept inside a cage, which resided in the kitchen of a Flat with NO GARDEN, frigging disgusting don’t you think? To cut a long story short she had a few problems when my mum rescued her, such as toilet training etc, BUT my mum put her straight and now she’s one of the family, the perfect pet friend……..perhaps don’t purchase a collie unless you have the time and patience to train, that’s very arrogant of me to suggest but they are highly intelligent dogs and require a lot of mental stimulation! But she’s fine now. 🙂 

Sorry the photograph from last Christmas, the video was filmed yesterday.

© Andrew

Sexual Politics and childhood awakenings

Original and written by me Andrew

🙂 My promised London terrorism Posts will have to wait, you see I read an internet News story, as you do, became distracted and started writing about something completely different instead……..anyways I enjoyed myself which is all that counts.

I’ve a question for you. 

Am I unique or unusual or both never seeing a photograph of a fully nude woman until child age 10? Sleepy Town upbringing and all that!

Skip forward one year. Me age @11, my brother, Paul Townsend and his older sister Helen and a nameless girl I can’t remember, are standing inside my parents garden shed and Helen says “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours”…………..SECONDS later my mother who had been listening outside, flings open the door and angrily says “all of you go to your homes” 😀 one minute longer I’d have seen a vagina, it would be three more years before another!……………..

(Helen and I started different schools soon after this incident!)

1 minute longer!!!! Why do I remember this story so vividly?

Hold on, don’t leave me yet that’s the tacky part over, this is a tale of first love childhood innocence and a Sex Ed. lesson I’d never forget. However my teacher left out one important ‘fact of life’, omitted something which took many years to find out, a fact that still angers me…………well it used to 🙂

Be aware this Post is not at all creepy or sordid, possibly not every ones cup of tea but it’s all very sweet and gentle, retelling one of those milestones in life you think about time to time, possibly prompted by a story of present day sexual politics like this one….. a World gone mad?

https://www.theinfong.com/2017/06/lady-banned-pool-inappropriate-swim-suit/

Is the Manageress correct? Is the bathing suit inappropriate? Would the children be mentally scarred for life misunderstanding it’s the adults who are over reacting? Is a butt tooo big for its bathing suit harmful to young minds?

Or am I the one at fault thinking she looks fine?

(Btw I have age 8 and 10 nephews, I get it! I also see the work my brother goes through with ‘locking’ passwords!)

Back to me never having seen a full frontal nude woman…………mollycoddled and all that, no interweb!

I don’t envy parents in 2017, a 10 year old if ‘unlocked’ could show his friends all manner of sordid pictures on his iPhone, picture a group of confused bewildered babes watching acts they shouldn’t be, or images no one should see in their lifetime, and all via school playground free WIFI. You think I’m joking?

😀 Returning to me! If you’re at all curious, back in the day I never came across photographs of a woman’s vagina until age 10, honest! My first time being in a Primary School’s ‘special events’ classroom consisting of 30 immature students listening incredulously to a sex education class taught by one Miss Aspley……….lol a wonderful woman!

Decades have passed now and most of my youthful memories, good and bad are forgotten, however I do remember being first aware of a female’s sexuality at age 10 but at the same thinking her attractive more than sexual. We can all roughly date our blossoming sexual maturity milestones can’t we? I remember taking a bath one evening, looking down and seeing my first pubic hair, honestly, an image burnt into my mind then stored in my brain’s picture folder.

Good that!

I do remember one unusual observation, discussing ‘hardness’ with my friend Martin Ashby age 10 though not understanding what they actually were for! No the only real memories captured by my imagination were for a certain teacher called Miss Aspley, she stirred first feelings of attraction, a childish love perhaps brought on by a sweet smile, a dress that looked nice, her pretty face who knows? But I know I liked her!……..And incidentally a model teacher in every way. 

Would Miss Aspley wearing a high cut pink bathing suit have corrupted my young mind?

A child’s first intellectual relationship in formative years is with their Primary School teacher, parents not withstanding. My Miss Aspley was bright, seemed to have answers to all life’s questions reading imaginative stories at end the day, and like with us all childhood literature stays with us for life. Miss was engaging firm amusing all attractive qualities irrespective of age and certain ‘bomb shell’ facts taught by her in class come back to me, true, and incidentally my mother met her many years later at a funeral and she’d a daughter of her own, and isn’t it written as gospel children will have a crush on their first teacher, or are we talking adolescents?

Where was I, oh yes reasons to be romantically attached to that special school teacher even children in early formative years and again I ‘loved’ Miss Aspley as much as a 10 year old can ahh. I never described her did I?

“Miss” was a tall slim fresh faced lady, thirtyish (old) classically English rose in appearance always most definitely wearing below the knee skirts and always conservatively dressed. Though I can’t recall her face I know for certain she was very pretty with long flame red hair as fine and straight as is possible to get, I’ve refrained from using the word elegance that gives visions of sophistication and remember I’m only 10! Pretty fits nicely.

Returning to a young child’s knowledge of sexuality, do women with big buts walking around swimming pools really have a bad influence on their minds? Common! I cannot remember a woman’s body remotely sexualised at age 10, honestly. Are things different now? Yes the internet and dark web!

My young nephew said “ouch you kicked me in the penis” when his brother hit him down there……………….and my mother swallowed hard!

So yes pretty Miss Aspley stirred inexplicable feelings of attraction, an immature sexual awakening , a warmth of feelings plus a little bit more. Whichever lol all I know is I did like her, knitted jumpers in winter buttoned to the neck blouses in summer, nothing ever remotely revealing perhaps I was just enchanted by her appearance and femininity, as far as a 10 year olds perception goes. Why do I recall my first crush so clearly? Yes there’ll be serious infatuation’s with educational goddesses in years to come, but Miss Aspley is remembered because she’s my first love, as an aside isn’t a girl’s first crush her best friends father?

So back to those 30 mixed sex pre pubescent children sitting cross legged on a coarse itchy carpet in the headmasters ‘special events’ classroom. Curtains were drawn, lights turned off Miss Aspley standing at the back operating a slide projector. I can vaguely remember thinking there was something special about today, anticipated, 30 suspicious bemused children or perhaps I’m looking back through rose tinted spectacles? So there we all are, seated gazing up at a stand alone white screen on the opposite side of the room……waiting!

And so the slide show begins with room hushed to total silence (unusual for 10 year olds)   Miss Aspley behind me narrating with her knowledgeable soft calmness, saying very little as black and white photographs passed before our eyes, dwelling longer on the reproductive diagrams AND THEN for the first time in my life I saw a photograph of a nude woman and her vagina, AN image that’s etched into my visual mind for all eternity, I see her face now yet many other Primary School memories are lost……so strange only particular photos remain for life! Neurons synapses fused visible for years to come.

Good that 😀 (only joking)

The nude young lady in the slide show hadn’t a particularly appealing face, bored even, a short woman with a typically English pear shaped figure wide child bearing hips and not in the least bit sexualised. As for her breasts, large, no drama here, I’d watched my neighbour Mrs H. breastfeed daughter number three plenty of occasions! …………. And again I can’t remember female breasts being sexualised at age 10, probably because I’d viewed them as producing milk keeping her infant alive.

Back to the swimming pool, a bathing suit? Really?

Don’t prompt me for any more facts gleaned from that Sex Ed. lesson because I remember little else, apart from that is, a photo of a tall naked gentleman with beard and glasses having a mass of jet back pubic hair surrounding his penis………again no big deal, unfortunately I’d caught glimpses of my father to understand hair sprouted from that region down below, yuck!!!!!

So there you, a life changing day for me at least, a Sex Ed. lesson over very quickly, we’re imparted the basics of reproduction, diagrams depicting a tadpole’s travels from testicle to egg via insertion of the bits, a series of un-sexy black and white photographs of the naked male and female human mammal, and again for reasons of a need to know basis I cannot remember the library having ANY sex education books.

Shouldn’t all childhoods be this way, a never to be forgotten lesson, a first attraction to a female but not understanding why? I’m back to Enid Blyton literature now……………..did you Google?

All in all my sex education lasted half an hour with NO questions and very much on message narration by ‘matter of fact’ Miss Aspley, but I do remember her as humourless without a hint of embarrassment and almost definitely bored witless. A brief memorable Sex Ed. lesson with graphic content little more than a series of photos (I think!) accompanied by sketchy diagrammatic theories of reproduction, no placing rolled up condoms on the tips of bananas, a fruit chosen for length diameter and curve, giggling excited children unfurling sperm barriers by use of their mouths. I’m KIDDING!!!

So there you are that was the breadth of my sexual knowledge for years and years to come and still amuses me till this day that I no comprehension of what a vagina looked like until age 10, if you’re interested the next was age 14 and only then after purchasing that copy of MAYFAIR from a boy in the sports hall changing room…………ahh but for one minute more…….remember Helen!

How times have changed…………………..horrifically for the worse, the dark web, abuse.

STIs and masturbation came years later, but annoyingly Miss Aspley said NOT a single WORD OF MASTURBATION, I had a right to be informed my body was capable of giving intense feelings of pleasure, special, safe enjoyable healthy for mind body and spirit, yes at age 10 she should have told me, but not a single word, I’m kept in the dark for years to come. Ignorance did have harmful consequences later in life and I’m still annoyed about that, I didn’t work out ‘how to’ for many years to come and not being told is inexcusable, even Biology at Secondary School was just as bad, 

A personal friend Emma says “I think I worked it out for myself ” hmm why didn’t I?

We should live our lives without fear of censorship shouldn’t we, education is empowerment, knowledge gives us judgement, lets us make informed decisions, corrects mistakes.

Tell children how to masturbate and the reasons why!!! Of course now I’d go to the NHS website but back in the day? ………..Word of mouth and a 4 channel TV set.

The internet, an innocence lost…………. 🙂 I get it!

So returning to my school lesson for one final time, Miss Aspley’s unwrapped and opened her Pandora’s box, 30 children have just realised adults have been keeping them in the dark and no harm was done. Sex Ed. lesson over, lights are switched on, curtains are drawn and this slim pretty lady with flame red hair walks calmly to the front of my class, stands by the white silk screen and as God is my witness I can remember thinking………….

‘Miss take all your clothes off!’ A sexual awakening if ever there was one 😀

The End.

© Andrew.