The Hell that is the Office Christmas Party!

Original by Andrew (Now promise you won’t go feeling sorry for me ūüėÄ )

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You’ll have an idea the direction this evening’s post is heading, yep you’ve guessed correct Andrew has received email notification of this year’s Christmas Party, incidentally also sent to 200 other support staff with an accompanying Doodle. What’s a Doodle I hear you ask? An attachment where each employee has to tick (green) if they’ll be going to the party or tick (red) to say they will not, and worst of all each employee has access to the entire list of names.¬†

If your name’s not ticked green on the list then everyone knows you won’t be coming. F#CK!

Hmm no hiding then! Some of you are aware I have chronic AvPD, my father suffered from it as did his father, consequently I’m afraid small talk just isn’t me and if I attend any type of social occasion where I find myself within groups of lovely people, where I’m expected to be socially comfortable happy at ease chatty and full of amusing stories, I panic! Trouble is these scenarios are my idea of near Hell lol, harder still I’m expected to enjoy myself and have fun but here’s a thought I’ve often wondered do people in fact enjoy Christmas Parties?

All the men present are based within four installations across Oxford and I’m acquainted with most of them, however one hundred Party goers will be office women of varying ages all again support staff but here’s the problem. Throughout the working year one hundred office ladies work separately to one hundred technical staff, ever heard the saying never the twain shall meet?

Well come a date in late December the two separate sexed groups are thrown together for a sit down meal in a hotel yet neither really mix throughout the previous year. Oh and I omitted to say a DJ is provided for dancing afterwards, yep lol dancing! And worse still, all seating positions have been organised in advance, yep each seat place is name allocated making sure you’ll sit next to ladies you may never speak to throughout the whole of 2017! ūüėÄ I wonder if our Administrator is a sadist?

boomerang-headerOk I’m exaggerating a little, I do come into contact with other female staff on a day to day basis, but explaining how these encounters come about is pointless, suffice to say you get the gist of my tale because your own workplace Parties will be very similar, the same the world over!

Now don’t get me wrong they are all lovely LOVELY people, friendly highly educated University staff and from what I’ve always been aware, I’ve heard of very few fallings out or arguments apart from a little ‘bitchyness’ which happens in every large organisation. There’ll always be individuals who don’t get on with someone else because that’s life, again it’s the same the world over and no different to Primary School children with their own playground friendships and odd fallings out. Adults are just children at heart but bigger!

Lol our office Party sounds fun doesn’t it? I’ve attended these events before and I guess they’re not so bad after a glass of red wine, and importantly chatting about work is forbidden so any gripes and grudges will have been left at work. But here’s the problem, an organisation chooses their employees purely on their suitability to do a job they’ve been taken on for, with myself it’s machinery, with a woman from accounts it’s because she’s good with figures. Yes we’ll work together however we’ll possibly not socialise together, we’re individuals from differing backgrounds who may have little in common with each other, yet once a year we’re all thrown together and expected to have fun enjoy ourselves and dance the evening away as one happy organisation………….jeeze lol.

xmas_party_1020565Makes me sound a miserable bastard doesn’t it, no not at all I’m a quiet sort of guy and truthfully I have no enemies, one time I even heard a guy say “the thing about Andy is he likes everyone” which was lovely to hear. ūüôā But I do find standing around within groups making small talk on the hellish side, no one’s fault that’s life that’s the way the cookie crumbles. Something else I’ve noticed, at these events women do naturally congregate together and chat about their children, they are all mum’s after all it comes naturally! But quite noticeably groups of guys don’t, they’ll chat about hobbies, cars, motorbikes, holidays and the like.

Ok I’ve mad a few generalisations, I guess everyone has reservations thoughts of being pressganged into having fun, so ‘gulp’ now I’m going to have to open that email and tick the appropriate box for going? Or not going? That is the question!

(As long as I can remember I’ve only known of one office romance in my time with this employer, he was a serial married adulterer she an unattached pretty secretary, the affair fizzled out after a while but still to this day is gossiped about. Hmm I guess there’s always the chance I could find myself alone with Amanda behind the Christmas tree, a kiss and a boob squeeze ūüėČ ………..yeh I wish, keep dreaming Andrew! ūüėÄ )

Happy Christmas ūüôā

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Masturbation, Facebook Twitter and Instagram, a Greek holiday tale, thoughts AND THANK YOU

thanks-lady-bug(Thank you to the 4 ladies for commenting¬†yesterday¬†ūüôā However I decided to delete the/your replies¬†basically because I wouldn’t want someone to read this :/ ‘amusing post’ with very adult themes then forward to your blog, the internet being the internet and all that, my choice, perhaps you have second thoughts also?¬†Like I said your comments were¬†ūüôā appreciated (very)¬†and¬†useful as regards¬†twitter and facebook and Instagram…….. anyways you get the idea. If a post is good enough (haha whatever that means), entertaining enough then¬†people will like,¬†the post was just for fun anyway. TY

ūüėģ ūüôā ūüėÄ ūüė¶ ūüėČ (awesome¬†for a sex blogger) ūüėõ XD¬†:/ >:D ūüė°¬† ūüėē o_O ūüė≥ ūüôĄ ūüėé ^^’ ‚̧

Btw aren’t Emojis the best invention EVER!¬†Seriously, they’re awesome add one yellow smilie¬†to a sentence and it sets your emotions alight, and the iPhone Emojis are even MORE FABULOUS!!! Did you know they’re the product of texting in olden days when a phone message had so few characters users¬†resorted to LMAO LMFAO……….

But I hate LOL, why? Is anyone actually Laughing Out Loud? My niece say lol within a spoken sentence, strange but adorable. Andrew)

Yesterday’s Post

I’m always curious as to why a blog falls silent, not because I’m nosey I’m just curious, have they gone ghost or finished forever? Especially interested if I’ve enjoyed Following. I’ve been on WP 2 years now, 2 years is a long time but¬†I do lack inspiration which is fine,¬†perhaps I ask to much of a simple free website? (I do) I may take a break. Anyways thank you for each view like and comment, you made me so happy.

If you¬†didn’t consider¬†my ‘writing¬†varied eclectic¬†and haphazardly ‘all over the place’ before this Post¬†then¬†you haven’t read this one yet.

My first and only Re blog……….. 60 Likes!

A blogging observation¬†which¬†really did catch me unawares,¬†:/ an age thing, and¬†I’m surprised it’s taken SO long for the ‘penny to drop’ when WordPress gives us the¬†sharing tools …………. yes I speak of clicking those tiny icons which send you to Twitter and Facebook! Duh so obvious.facebook-twitter-instagram-2

‘WordPress is pants¬†as regards social interaction (if you’re not very good), you have to be on Twitter!’

I didn’t write that btw, they’re not my words,¬†whoever did¬†goes top of the class and at the same time proving I’m slow on the pick up, social media adds an extra dimension to WP.

If I decide to take¬†a break I’ll continue to scroll my¬†Reader,¬†my imagination¬†requires it’s daily¬†fix of amusement and intellectual stimulation to ever walk away, I watch little TV the internet is far more fun. Here’s a thought, whoever coined the phrase ‘self abuse’ as an alternative¬†description and deranged idea masturbating is bad for you?¬†Must have been those two faced Victorians who’s¬†values Margaret Thatcher said we should¬†return back to. B#ll sh#t what values?¬†The ones¬†that¬†branded Charles Dickens a criminal, placed him in debtors prison just because he found himself on hard times, thank God for a Welfare State.

Time for adult themes, (there has to be with me, some¬†like and they’re fun to make), as always if¬†at least one person enjoys then I’m truly happy ūüôā )

Def masturbation– Stimulation of the genitals with the hand for sexual pleasure

 

“There are two kinds of people in the world, those who masturbate and those who lie!”

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Wanking! An unusual habit all those tingly sensations and waves of pleasure, I’m immature lol, playing with oneself does fascinate me, always has done, all aspects and God knows¬†why it’s scorned upon? There’s loads of¬†medical benefits and more.

I read that¬† ‘2 kinds of….’ gem in a borrowed copy of GQ Magazine and¬†for some reason it’s one of those useless pieces of information that attaches itself to a brain synapse or whatever and will never shift or disappear………… I probably¬†have all my neurological brain biology mixed up but you get the idea.

:/ Humour me, sex amuses the child in me.

Like I said I¬†won’t write a Post, yes playing with oneself is incredibly pleasurable but more importantly clinicians and psychiatrists say masturbation is good for ones general health and mental well being, that¬†idea fascinates me, you know all those pleasure giving chemicals serotonin and dopamine being released from the brain making me high, so powerful they produce orgasmic sensations men spend the rest of¬†their lives¬†trying to recapture. Being serious for a moment,¬†did you¬†know¬†masturbating flushes the¬†prostate gland of¬†stale semen (think about¬†that astounding fact for a second, could¬†fresh semen give you prettier more intelligent¬†babies?

Men¬†have¬†to Wank daily,¬†how else do¬†they rid themselves¬†of aging tadpoles, hey? AND we’re¬†knowledgably informed¬†‘unused’ ‘past the sell date¬†cum’ could be linked to prostate cancer, not forgetting ‘playing’ is the safest form of sex, no STD’s. In women masturbation can help prevent cervical infections and urinary tract infections through the process of ‚Äútenting,‚Ä̬†or the opening of the cervix that occurs as part of the arousal process. (Googled)

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So there you are, healthy for mind and good for the soul, and doesn’t send you blind¬†ūüėÄ . Here’s a tale,¬†I once knew a¬†lady who said when she was a small girl, her mother would smell her fingers and¬†‘tap’ the back of¬†her hand. True, no violence or malice, just disapproving AND that lady wasn’t scarred for life, she thought it¬†very funny.

Improved Health and Mental wellbeing, safe sex and pleasurable, seriously why do certain Christian Preachers teach children masturbation is wrong? Madness!

Serious subject pleasuring oneself, there’s a whole Series there,¬†NO.

ENOUGH!!! (I honestly hope I’ve never¬†offended anyone)

Are you bored yet?

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She’s surprisingly similar actually

Enough silliness, but masturbation thoughts are most welcome!

You’ve twisted my arm, I’ll tell you a true tale.¬†Quite a few years ago I was on holiday sitting on a sandy beach in the Greek Islands,¬†staring out across the Mediterranean Sea, a low Autumn sun shining above the horizon and practically all by myself. Short story short, my Brother and I had words, he went for a scooter ride to cool off and I sat cross legged wondering what an earth I’d done wrong?

Siblings can be together for just so long.

Then all a sudden a young lady woke me from the day dream by throwing her towel on to the sand a few metres away, quite startled me in fact, and no word of a lie I glanced up and down the beach and I can still visualize now,¬†the lady¬†was on her own¬†the beach was empty¬†and this beautiful young blonde was¬†rolling out her large towel a few metres from me……..WTF? She never said a word, never looked at me, didn’t seem aware I existed, invisible I was! Why so near me when the beach was empty?

(Remember I’m always honest, ūüôā )

At the time and all these years later all I can¬†assume¬†is this single young lady, late twenties, felt more comfortable¬†sitting¬†close¬†to another tourist rather than on her own,¬†and just enough distance to make plain we weren’t an item, safety in numbers have you will! That’s the best I can come up with :/ she wasn’t picking me up, she fancied a day on the beach but didn’t want to be all on her own. Any problem and I could have saved her. Seriously.

So she sits down on the towel¬†also looking out to sea, rummages through her bag, takes out a bottle of suntan lotion, places it beside her then starts to undress! Frigging incredible! And still she doesn’t¬†glance my direction¬†or utter a word, so strange. Cotton dress unbuttoned, that’s tossed away and unbelievably sat only metres away is a slim beautiful twenty something blonde lady wearing a skimpy two piece red bikini! Then¬†she begins to¬†smooth suntan lotion onto her arms and legs.

Passions rising!

Ten minutes ago I’m having an argument with my brother, five minutes ago I’m daydreaming looking out to sea, NOW this bikini clad lady¬†lies¬†back on her bath towel, closes her eyes, and there we both are two strangers on an empty beach,¬†silent still and enjoying the warm late autumn sun!

Note these are¬†the days before iPhones mp3 and earbuds, with nothing to occupy her mind I guess she lay¬†day dreaming¬†and my dick became hard and long, my heart was racing my breath quickening, and you’ve guessed I was¬†excited. Amazing how one loses inhibitions when aroused, you take risks, brain chemicals and sex drive blur sane judgement. So what did you do next Andrew? I did what every sexually excited male would do, I¬†silently drew my knees forward grabbed a towel¬†to cover my waist and thighs then as quiet as¬†I could¬†wiggled my bottom and pull my shorts and pants down.

And all the while she lay serenely relaxed eyes closed, not a care in the world, oblivious to this panting English Tourist sat metres away one hand under towel, holding his dick masturbating himself IMPORTANTLY all the while staring at her gorgeous near naked body,only red bra and briefs for modesty.

Still to this day I close my eyes and see this gorgeous young blonde babe as if by photograph, all I can think now is¬†surely I can’t have been THAT silent! You know breathless gulping and panting, well after a minute or so, yep that quick I came hard onto the sand between my legs, surely she heard me climax? Nope¬†at no point did she turn and look or open her eyes, ūüėÄ what if she had, clocked a tourist knocking one off staring at her breasts…………….could have been an interesting scene if my brother had come back.

I was spent and satisfied but can’t for the life remember what happened next, not a clue, I’d guess she went her way and I went mine, ok¬†not a riveting story but unusual.¬†Note I do realise these days a wanking man would be arrested and get 5 years for gross indecency, quite right to, doing disgusting acts like that in¬†full view of watching women is sexual assault, and knowingly sadistic! Yes. BUT I still consider ‘mine’ was all very innocent (first and last), if she’d looked she may have guessed¬†and at¬†worst she’d have kicked sand in my face! ūüėÄ

So have you ever masturbated outdoors? (As if anyone would answer ūüėÄ )

Facebook Twitter Instagram and your WordPress

fbtwitterQuickly returning¬†to Social Media, first off for no apparent reason I’d like to make clear I’m NOT on FB and don’t do Twitter! At my age you must be joking, never have and never will, truthfully speaking I can’t help musing there’s something a little creepy about¬†grown¬†men having a facebook account, boys yes, men no,¬†there you are just an opinion. Don’t get me wrong social media is a¬†great idea but the revolution’s passed me by…….mind you Twitter’s good if you’re famous, start a petition to get Stephen Fry back I say,¬†my sister in law is on FB, helps her unwind of an evening after¬†the kids go to bed.¬†

Oh yes where was I, thoughts of social media. For several weeks now I’ve become¬†increasingly aware the majority of bloggers¬†I Follow link their WordPress to Instagram Facebook and Twitter accounts and this has me¬†asking myself¬†why do I¬†have a WordPress? The lack of social interaction here does make me unhappy. I need to get out more, I’m a stranger to you ūüôā I need a lay!

Don’t judge me yet, I’m so pleased when ladies reply and say Hi when I comment, an erotic poetess says my comments always make her smile, she says I have a funny turn of phrase and it’s such a pleasure others appreciate my honesty. One woman even wrote me a profile for an internet dating website, lots of encouragement and tips, she said stay clear of bs and you’ll do well, but ūüė¶ of course I never did…………… she’d have been disappointed after doing all that for me. Oh well.

So Bloggers post then Tweet¬†their friends with¬†the link. Common sense! A¬†true community of friends interacting, would be nice but no that’s for the ‘kids’ and mums/moms………¬†like I said I don’t, I publish and well I’m depressing myself now ūüė¶

So are there any conclusions to be made here, no, lol you decide and please don’t ever take my posts tooo seriously, people seem to Like me

I’m WELL aware I sound ungrateful ūüė¶ , I’m NOT , NO,¬†I’ve met so many wonderful people from across the Globe¬†and yes some¬†have become ‘internet friends’, (strangers still) and¬†who recognise my rather unusual truthful honest¬†way of expressing myself,¬†and I’m extremely pleased to have yes lol interacted with you and your blog writing ūüôā I hope no ones been offended by¬†my silly little Posts or my honest comments.

Incidentally my stats say¬†someone in China has been viewing my blog ūüôā I’m so curious which post they looked at? Housing estate Walnut Tree? Autumn Leaves photo? Downton Abbey? My balls in briefs? Oxford’s ‘Gropecunt Lane? My mum’s collie?

I’ll still Follow.

That’s enough now, amazing where a couple of hours and a¬†meandering stream of consciousness takes me.

¬© Andrew ūüôā ‚̧

24. New underwear

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Don’t get tooo excited it’s mostly balls!

I’ll post this photo of me in my undies not to impress mind just¬†so as it catches¬†your eye in¬†the Reader but you’ll have to read on to understand why.

For those of you who recognise¬†that bedroom and¬†colour co ordinated¬†quilt cover, the oak dressing table¬†and tree lamp you’ll know I’m the guy who Posted artistically posed selfies many many months ago, never again!!!

A short story from last weekend, don’t expect tooo much ūüôā¬†I enjoyed writing.

I am a big time fan of online shopping,¬†I’m known for¬†it¬†at work and I’ve made both great and¬†some¬†awful late night purchases………especially on eBay!!! So advice to my Bank, come eleven o’clock at night¬†block my credit card until morning and I’m not joking.

I am clean right out of wearable underwear! Maybe your knickers draw is the same, you¬†know¬†do¬†some pairs have a hole or two? Some lost they’re their waist elastic¬†with a danger of slipping down, must be unnerving if you’re wearing a dress, or maybe some pairs have a¬†stretched¬†gusset! Wtf?

Well last Saturday evening I Googled men’s briefs, and¬†very quickly find¬†a pair¬†I like sold by NEXT High Street clothes boutique,¬†I know a¬†tad young for me but hey ‘he who dares wins’ or something like that, so I¬†get my credit card out and purchase a pack of four in colour black. It’s all working like a dream so far, don’t you find there’s nothing more horrifying when¬†‘paying¬†up’¬†goes all¬†wrong, a card is refused,¬†I automatically break into a cold sweat thinking someone’s stolen¬†my identity, but not to worry an email appears in my Inbox saying they’re mine and pickup Sunday after twelve.

Come on now isn’t technology amazing? Buy exactly what wish and pickup next day, years ago you’d traipse down the High Street in the pouring rain¬†only to¬†find what you want is sold out or¬†they’re out of stock in the colour you want.

The following morning I¬†wander ‘Down Town’,¬†that’s another phrase for ‘Shopping Mall’ to Americans ūüôā and head directly¬†for our¬†NEXT clothing¬†store and I’ll tell you something I wasn’t half nervous walking through those¬†big shiny doors parting before me. Why you ask? Well being a middle aged man I’d forgotten what a youngsters fashion boutique looks and feels like inside………..¬†lots of young people and¬†racks of trendy clothes to be exact and wouldn’t you believe it¬†Purchase Pickup¬†is¬†upstairs at the rear of the Store meaning¬†I have to pick¬†my way through¬†happy teenagers and women’s fashion.

Are they amused by me? I knew on-line underwear shopping was a mistake!

Slightly flushed I¬†climb upstairs¬†and join¬†a long¬†queue of other internet late evening shoppers again they’re all women. ‘F#ck is this a female only store?’ I thought to myself. Today there was only one girl serving us, approximately age 17, a pretty lady wearing a white tee shirt with NEXT written across her chest, oh and¬†a couple of tattoos spaced¬†on her forearm. I’m sorry but I’m afraid I’m NOT a big fan of females with tattoos, call me old fashioned and I’m a ‘live your life how you wish’ ūüôā sort of person and¬†maybe it’s an age thing but to me tattoos are unfeminine and ALWAYS look awful on a girl. There you are but I would never say to the lady!

Incidentally, tattoos are a new very modern phenomenon, oh yes the craze is very recent and did you know in Victorian days only 3 types of people were tattooed, can you guess? Well if you can’t tattoos were worn by the Military, Prostitutes and Criminals……absolutely true!

Back to my clothing Boutique shopping tale. For ten minutes or so I’m standing with other women in the Purchase Pickup queue¬†which is moving very¬†VERY slowly just in front of the pretty girl’s counter, but I don’t mind, she’s fun to watch briskly walking to and from¬†her Store Room then serving customers, very conscientious I could see she enjoyed her job and I’m a sucker for a pretty face.

My turn!!! So I walk to the counter hand the girl my Order Number and a few minutes later she returns with my briefs, see photo above…………then she says something completely deflating and not at all in an unkind manner…….

“Four pairs of men’s black briefs in size SMALL”

……and¬†lol she¬†didn’t half emphasise the word “SMALL” but all spoken with a¬†very sweet smile across her face, not at all nasty or condescending nope the young lady had a sense of humour and I just knew at that very moment in time we both had the image of a man’s ‘bits and bobs’ pictured across both our minds……..and no word of a lie I felt like saying “I’ll tell you something Miss I ain’t that small :)”

But of course I didn’t say anything, I just smiled in return¬†when she caught my eye, took my package paid then exited the Store as quick as I could. Anyways our briefest of encounters made my day, in fact I smiled all the way home (true) thinking I’ll perhaps write a Post about this. Passes the time ūüôā

Andrew ūüôā

 

 

23. Hysterical Literature – Part 2

I’ve been sent an email¬†from someone who shall remain nameless¬†so I’ve¬†decided to answer through a¬†Post, I also replied personally¬†because I’m a¬†polite boy¬†ūüôā

I’ve thought long and hard how to clearly and concisely explain What on earth¬†those ladies are experiencing in the videos, no idea? Anyways I hope the steps below help,¬†thank you.

 

1.¬†Disclaimer: I don’t endorse those videos and I¬†don’t¬†earn a penny from the vibrator’s sale, it is sold by Amazon!!!

2. Firstly please view my post hysterical-literature-the-female-orgasm to understand wtf is going on.

(Brief interlude, I’m hoping you watched, what did you think?)

3. Now that you understand the relationship context association please go to the Hysterical Literature Website

4. Now¬†‘move your cursor’ to vibrator ‘click’ and¬†hystericalliterature.com¬†will¬†forward you to¬†Amazon.

5. Remember¬†I can only guess¬†what those ladies¬†are experiencing in the videos, f#ck I wish I could!!!! But I can’t because I¬†don’t have¬†a clitoris.

(P.S. I hope you understand now why I haven’t sent my answer by email, first¬†off those links are¬†a little confusing, secondly¬†writing a¬†Post is more fun¬†…….. my blog and all that.)

Andrew ‚̧