OMG I’M CUMMING (a response for………)

Original and © Andrew 

JFF and certainly not to be taken tooo literally or heaven forbid seriously……………….. note there’s no hate no nudity (well a little) no pornography and as I’ve written before 🙂 in the unlikely event you’re under 16 why not go and play a computer game, it’ll be more fun than reading this (hopefully entertaining) silliness!

If you’d like to understand how and why this very bizarre post came about ‘click here’, in my opinion a read should help explain all in less than three minutes, then again after reading you may say wtf and not bother coming back 😀 ………………… are you back? Hope so!

I’ll refrain from cross referencing belle’s post and reply to her questions instead, I’ll tell you my own masturbation story in my own words and in my opinion her’s is far better than mine anyway…………..Jeez takes me an age to begin!news1-1Haha above isn’t the image I’d wanted 😉 to use and you’ll be relieved to know I won’t be showing you photographs of me ‘bashing the bishop’ or any other of the many ‘self love’ euphemisms out there, I have photos of me and a lady but that’ll never be shared, she’d look away!!………. oh ok if pushed here’s a photo of me inside an adult toy and ‘click here’ if you’d like to read the full post where I reviewed my adult toy………….now you’ve returned I hope you’re a little shocked! However beware before going on-line and purchasing one for you man, save your money a toy will never ‘beat’ his lover’s own hands! Hold that thought,

(Photo now removed)

:/ Why are sexual photographs of women so much more appealing and acceptable to the human eye? I’ll leave what’s actually happening above to your imaginations, you’re either a male who’ll understand all, a female who’s enough carnal knowledge to have given a helping hand or you’ve left this blog post five minutes ago! Still, revisiting this photo I have to say that was rather a nice quilt cover my sister-in-law bought me for Christmas!

The human sexual orgasm has always fascinated me, let me elaborate and let’s keep this post about self love. When you deep down think about what’s happening to your body as you intimately touch yourself, the chemicals flooding your mind, that you can experience tingling pleasurable sensations leading to explosive climatic orgasms is darn right incredible, and I’ve touched that special button on a woman’s vagina to understand those same pleasurable sensations are even more incredible, evermore intense and powerful for her, and farther still, she experiences even greater waves of pleasure when licked by a man’s wet tongue. I’ve nuzzled my face into a woman’s wide apart thighs and sensed in awe at how her body moves in response to human touch……………………… anyways enough of women what about me!


How often and how many?

Well belle I certainly haven’t experienced 5000 orgasms that’s for sure, I would say on average I masturbate three times a week, but it’s difficult to calculate because Monday – Friday I’m too tired after work so I may never pleasure myself however if I’m feeling particularly excited I may have three wanks on a Saturday? So to answer your question I guess on average I masturbate 25 times a month, that’s 300 a year which on reflection surprises me!

I tell a lie, during summer-time watching university students congregating outside our workshop, scantily dressed in hot pants tight fitting tee shirts, well sometimes I’ll admit the sexual frustration becomes too much and I have to visit the toilet and pleasure myself…………and if ladies magazines and movies are correct, working women will time to time visit the bathroom to tip the velvet?

How about the first time?

Jeeze there’s a long story and short story, ‘click here’ for the long story, believe it or not I was over the age of 20 when I had my first orgasm and shortly after that I experienced my first wet dream, I can visualise now waking up, feeling something cold and wet against my leg, pulling back the sheets and seeing well you know. Yep I was twenty something, that linked post explains all and being serious the fact I hadn’t worked out how, incredible or what, still upsets me till this day but of course the internet has changed everything for children of today………………for the worse!

Back to your question, my first time was during lunch break at work…………..I should clarify I had my first orgasm inside the cubicle of my employers toilets! Once a week, every Friday lunch time, a wages ‘girl’ would walk into our workshop and hand out twenty packets filled with yes our wages, well our wages ‘girl’ (Jewish she was though her name escapes me) was stunning, slim with the longest legs you have seen on a woman, however she never wore skirts, sensible girl, nope she was always immaculately dressed wearing tailored figure friendly fashionable trousers and black high heeled shoes, lovely she was far to classy for the likes of us sex starved young men. Well about the time she left us, she had the elegant walk of a fashion model, I can all of a sudden remember getting an erection but this was different, this time I felt a strange sensation as if I was going to explode down below, all I knew was I had to find a toilet cubicle and when inside with a little instinctive rubbing of a twitching member I experienced my first orgasm. How did I feel? Numb and totally bewildered!

So how do I do it?

Male_masturbation.svg😀 do I really have to answer that question? I’d better not say because WordPress might be reading let’s just say there’s hand movement and leave it there! I know a thoroughly boring answer only because the way a lady masturbates herself is far more entertaining. For a rather amusing YouTube video where I can show you the one of me and my Fleshlight………. 😉 JOKING!!!

Unlike yourself each time I ‘slap the Salami’ the throbbing twitching sensations and tingling feelings are identical, I’ll touch myself just below the tip, experience amazing incredible tingling sensations, I’ll feel both balls rise all leading to a 3 second nirvana just before climax which is as I’ve said before is surely a gift from God, a feeling men spend their whole lives trying to recapture, then last of all the ejaculating orgasm.

What if someone else helps? ‘click’

Now we’re getting somewhere, when a lady gives me a helping hand the pleasurable erotic sensations are yes heightened, incredibly more intense and do you know what I actually prefer her sitting alongside wanking me, gazing into my puppy eyes, the grip of her firm hand in total command of my whole being and all the while my hand squeezing one of her boobs…………….yep then come the time, her tit nipple pressing into the palm of my hand, I always state the bleeding obvious “I’m gonna cum!” I never fail to, and best of all is when she bows her head and takes every last drop of my silky milk across her tongue! Even better if those sparkling eyes begin to water up. Am I a bad boy?

The best?

Has to be from the hand of the only lady I really loved, as I said a moment ago, she’d look deep into my eyes, always with an amused smile across her lips, loving the fact that she was controlling how my body moved and responded to her firm touch, knowing when to slow and stop the urge to climax now near killing me, C. loved pressing my buttons and me knowing she enjoyed playing me like a musical instrument made the orgasm so much more satisfying.

The worst?

If the brief suspense that comes before climaxing is interrupted, the orgasm is wasted and the feelings of frustration are almost unbearable! Have I ever been interrupted by another person, nope…………. and thank god never by my mother! bringing me a cup of tea. It happens apparently.

Anything to add?

If you were to ask me have I ever masturbated outdoors? I’d say yes on holiday in Greece, I once wrote a post about this tale tho now long deleted. The short story is I was sitting on a sandy beach, then from who knew where, a pretty lady sat on our beach but three metres away, took me aback when we were virtually the only two people there, all I can think is she felt more secure being so close to another tourist.

Even better and to my utter astonishment she stripped down to her red bikini underneath, sensually smoothed suntan cream over her body which got me hard and excited I can tell you, then she put her sunglasses on and proceeded to layback and sunbathe, next to me! Well I quietly draped a towel across my knees, pulled down my shorts and pants, then well ‘came’ all over the sand between my legs and all without her noticing. AND I can honestly say that’s the only occasion, mind you there was that other time riding a bus!

Short story, said that a few times this evening haven’t I! Many years ago whilst sat on a bus going somewhere? A young lady across the passenger aisle caught my eye wearing the tightest of tee shirts over her large firm boobs bouncing jiggling in response to our bus, well enough to say I became ever more excited, and how she never noticed my panting god only knows, well come the time, without hand stimulation a ejaculated inside my boxer shorts, a wholly incredible orgasm the only downside being I had to return straight back home to shower the sticky mess off, but yes the orgasm was worth the aggravation and trouble!

Has reading a WordPress Post ever made me cum, yes and many a time I’ll experience erections whilst reading sexy stories written by the erotic fantasy writers I follow, don’t you think that’s a good gauge of how talented a writer she is? And yes with a little stimulation she’s taken me to the point of orgasm…… 😉 thank you ladies all.

Andrew 😉

Hi B. I hope you’re feeling better, I read your flu post and well I have Skype Andrew B 😉 and if you’d ever like someone to ‘Skype with’ I’d love to,……….. lol you can’t blame me for asking can you!! 🙂 (Anyways this message and example photo will be removed soon.)



Erotica ‘Pretty girl on a train’ (the ending)

( 🙂 A lady blogger asked me why I didn’t have a second blog just for my sexy stories (they’re not for everyone I agree). Hmm good point, a great point but no. So if you’re new to my blog there is no real theme just whatever ‘takes my fancy’ that evening 🙂 family, photography, sexy stories, cookery, sex, nature, Life in Oxford, sex, music anything and everything with humour? One rule, religion! Discussing religion is banned here)

Original story written by ©Andrew (A story for mums dads and adults only, if you’re under 16 believe me it’s boring! 🙂 go play a computer game it’ll be more fun and note this adheres to WP guidelines)tactics-every-guy-must-know-to-kiss-a-girl-07

Continued……………… “Emily I’ve got no condom!! a mixture of shock and distress in my voice!

Emily recoiled back toward the window, releasing her arms from around my neck pushing my shoulders away at the same time, two strangers facing each other less than two feet apart, every sinew and muscle squeezed tight holding my body stiff, she looked into my eyes our waists the only part of our bodies touching, now raising a finger to my lips she said,

“It’s ok Andrew”……”I’m clean and I trust you”, smiling a wicked love in her eyes,

“I never f*ck with a condom anyway, I only take a man if I can feel the skin of his dick inside me”, throwing her head back giggling like a sex starved girl from a single sex boarding school.

Pushing me away still further, so forcibly, my back hit the cubicle door slamming it shut, “God that hurt” I whispered to myself, visions of a trolley dolly listening the other side, witnessing the dirty deed I was gonna inflict on this pretty girl with auburn hair.

Emily reached down grabbed the hem of her tee shirt at her waist pulling it toward the ceiling, the stretchy cotton fabric revealing her large round breasts and yes her nipples were as big as I’d imagined chocolate brown against pale pink skin. One final tug at her hair as she pulled the garment over head, brunette bangs kissing Emilie’s cheeks as they dropped to her shoulders, finally placing it in the sink.

Jesus what vision of a woman, I devoured her bouncing breasts with my eyes until I could gaze no more, then pushing my ass into the door I grabbed hold of her boobs with both hands feeling her hard pointed nipples pressing into my palms.

Continuing to seduce me with her sexy voice now hushed so no one could hear, “you’re gonna screw me in the ass” pulling a tube of lubricant from her pocket with her right hand,  even if she could have seen my face I don’t think my wide open mouth and shocked expression was gonna stop her greasing up!

Emily facing the glazed window, I pulled her jeans down revealing peachy butt cheeks, yet she wore no knickers, ‘well perhaps that ticket collector does have them after all?’ Squeezing the remaining tube contents into the palm of her hand, she demanded one final time, “Andrew you are going to fuck me in my ass” as she reached round dividing her two cheeks, fingers opening her butt hole with one hand, fingers of the other pressing as much lubricant as she could physically force inside. Then all done she went back to gripping the rim the ceramic sink, receptive, ready,

“are you a virgin” I asked

“you ARE joking!” Looking back at me mystified, “I f*cked the ticket collector earlier AND he’s got my knickers AND I got my period” she grumbled!!

‘Jesus is this another dream?’ My bewildered mind caving into reality

“F*CK ME!!” grabbing hold of my hard penis so tight it hurt, oh yes Emily is alive her fingers circling around my purple tip, then releasing her hold, gripping the vibrating sink, I pressed into her asshole sending shivers up my spine as I touched her slippery opening, wincing slightly Emily says,

“Come on, there’s not much time, I want your cum inside me”,

Not a man to be asked twice, her soft ass cheeks divided, my engorged hard-on penetrated Emily’s warm anus, it’s slippery coating taking me deep inside, then I began to f*ck that tight asshole, god how I f*cked her pounding thrusting my groin at her arse in time to the rocking carriage, my penis shaft pulling half out then straight back in, pressing my hardness ever deeper into her rectum, my girth making her hole sting, Emily squeal with every violent stroke.

Out of breath as if I’d just sprinted a mile, I could palpably feel my balls rise, their storks contract as my scrotum tightened, ever faster harder my torso slapped into her ass, back of her hands showing white from gripping the rim so forcibly, her forehead kissing the glazed glass panel, Emily’s stinging anus making her eyes near cry then slowing the force of my stroke stopping to near standstill, I looked to the skies, but all I see is dirty yellow Formica ceiling and calmly saying,

“I’m gonna cum. I’m gonna cum.”

Emily now looking back lucid and in total control of her senses, understanding the precarious position she’s in, unlike me slowing from near frenzy I held my pause before orgasm as long as I could, not waiting for her answer just holding onto those pleasurable moments surely a gift from God, only a man knows how they feel, spends his whole life craving those seconds.

Then one final remark from Emily pleading “Well f*cking cum then” at the same moment as my groin orgasmed, a convulsion from my hips along the shaft of my lubricated phallus, a near ejaculate explosion between parted ass cheeks, finally pumping semen deep from within my balls into her rectum, me so far inside her now, thick phallus stretching her walls to a limit, Emily near crying tears of pain as I thrust her every last drop of my creamy ejaculate!

Still inside her my brutal violation of her backside subsiding, my breath returning to normal, hands still tight aside her waist, silence was broken by a loud thud on the door, followed my a worried ticket collector’s voice,

“are you ok in there Emily” There’s a girl come running from outside the toilet screaming to her mother!!” Screaming! I said to myself, thank God she hadn’t seen what I’d just done, unaware of what dirty filthy joy me and Emily had consummated and WTF he called her Emily!! 

He asked again,“well are you ok? She’d desperate to use the lavatory!”

Emily coming to her senses as we uncoupled, reaching her hands down searching for her jeans replying to the train guard a tremble in his voice!

“Wait one second we’ve finished!”



(I hope you enjoyed 🙂 )

Comment 13/09/2017 – A lady commented elsewhere asking if this tale is true, what about HIV and STD’s! Perhaps I hadn’t made myself clear enough, this is a wholly fictional story and by-the-by, I always wear condoms because of STD’s, pregnancy! 🙂 My message is ALWAYS wear condoms ❤

Erotica, She let me cum……… pt3

An Original story written by ©Andrew 

(Continued from pt2)

yy99llllll……………..became friends, our email relationship had progressed to a point where one sunny afternoon in July, and not so long ago, I found myself in Chantelle’s London Flat ‘boudoir’ standing naked at the foot of a double bed inside her warm cosy bedroom, more precise I’d undressed totally nude only my hard cock to keep me company, holding it’s shaft in my hand a sort of comfort blanket, gently stroking calmed this horny guy excitedly anticipating heavenly pleasures only this voluptuous blonde could give me,

Oh did I say she was age 40!……………..Then through open door she walks this middle aged blonde goddess, with a big bum tight waste pert high round boobs, all dressed up as a nurse (backpage pic) in white mini-dress, her wide open cleavage as you’ve never seen in your life before.

We said hello, exchanged pleasantries and suddenly feeling quite emotional I moved to face her less than a metre apart, then peeking down her plunging neckline I moved closer still unbuttoning her all the way down, opening the white pinafore then slipping the soft cotton fabric backward over her shoulders, I remember standing transfixed dumb founded unable to move my eyes surveying up and down her pink naked body my brain trying to process this vision of beautiful naked womanhood. Chantelle has the firmest roundest most shapely breasts I’ve squeezed in my entire life, high and round about one handful. Then I place my hands above her hips pulling her body to me one final time, we embrace tightly, our heads along side each others, her baby soft cheeks pressing into my twelve hour stubble, her hushed voice saying,

“So Andrew what shall we do this fine afternoon?”

My heart beat slowed to normal, phew I thought to myself ‘we’re going to be ok, we’re going to have fun’ and completely relaxed I replied,

“Well in your email you said I could cum in your mouth and babe that sounds fine to me”, she giggled winked and said “not so fast honey, I want you inside my mouth but first some kissy kissy” and with that she grabbed great handfuls of my plump buttocks, her head leaning back giggling like the little girl Chantelle really was!

Then I kissed Chantelle, passionately, tongues deep inside the each other’s mouth, wet with saliva entwining dancing all you readers being aware there’s no body part more sensitive than the tongue………..we must have kissed for twenty minutes, you think I make this sh*t up? 😀 Nope, our embrace became tighter, bodies touching ever more intimate, my hands moving from hips to squeezing fat buttock cheeks then back to her hips again, we kiss ever more passionately, devouring, breathless into each other’s mouths, even red lipstick smeared across our lips, I thought her face appeared amusing until I saw my reflection in a mirror later.

I’m a boob man through and through, large or small pert or sagging, means no odds to me as long as I can play with them, suckle on a nipple, drink like a new born babe then I’m happy and satisfied. What does breast milk taste of? I’ve bottle fed my nephew with J’s own milk craving to suck just once but I didn’t!

I longed to touch Chantelle’s breasts, but our bodies were tooo close! “Loosen up girl!!!” I said momentarily pulling away!

We continued to kiss, two naked silhouettes drawn together, her arms wrapped less tightly around my waist pulling holding me against her, her warmth touched every part of the front of my body, such an affectionate embrace of two lovers who’d been here before. Aroused, sexually excited I struggled to slip my hand between our bodies so I could grope her firm breasts, but I’d been a worried man when we first cuddled, I could feel my aroused hardness pushing between her inner thighs, the pressure making the base of my purple bell end tingle, thousands of nerve endings electrified and I thought to myself ‘what if in my excitement I’d entered her, my now horizontal phallus pushed deep in to her wet vagina pressing against her womb, throbbing engorged with blood, hell I may have spontaneously orgasmed sticky cum inside, consensual mind, is involuntary semen exchange rape if she hadn’t expected my phallic explosion! But not to worry I missed her pink gash, I don’t much like fucking anyway but all’s well 🙂 my engorged phallus slipped between Chantelle’s warm squeezed thighs, briefly stroking wet labia lips, mind you hers did flap about a bit, we kissed and kissed and deep French kissed some more, many a minute passed before we spoke again.

I guess with tired lips and aching jaws we must have mutually sensed it time to stop the wonderful French, so backing away I moved on to her bed, body sinking into warm duvet and dutifully followed by my mature horny babe her wetness flowing out of her vagina like water drops slipping down glass in a rain storm, and like a reluctant virgin about to be deflowered on her wedding night she lay down beside me. We embraced affectionately then as tight as before, gently rolling over each other for what will be one of the more fantastic afternoons of my life, as for her? She always said she had fun but this time she wanted something different. 

So lovely readers 😀 we leave our two lovers for the moment, embraced facing each other kissing on the lips, all very tender and motionless.


For months previous to first meeting we chatted time to time via email, Snapchat FB Twitter and Skype aren’t for me, aren’t for us, todays young internet generation can’t comprehend how two people can ‘play’ without help of social media and tell me where’s the harm daily writing to each other as our forbears would have? Do children today understand that written exchanges between lovers go as far back as Jane Austin times?


Love letters sent between lovers possessing intriguing codes secrets and hidden messages keeping each other guessing even after the letter is returned to it’s envelope, I enjoy email, it f*cking stresses me out mind, many a time I’ll press send then panic with questions of, ‘did I express myself as I intended? Oh God have I offended her? Worse still upset?’ Not to worry, more often than not my replies made her smile even laugh sometimes. Long ago I came to a decision not to on-line date, women have told me the horror stories, explained how scams work, perhaps I’m a cynic, for one thing is sure I know there are lots of lonely ladies out there, perhaps I should give it a try, honesty is one aspect of WordPress that is plain to see, the blogger you are reading is bearing her soul, truthful and trusting, me also because not a single word is a lie………………come to think of it perhaps on my old blog I did say I’d done anal, that must have been some weird dream because I haven’t been there…………..yet, enough and I’m SORRY!!!!!

Returning to naked me and Chantelle our bodies near joined as one tenderly rolling atop her double bed, me luckiest man alive hugging a beautiful mature lady……if a little overweight!

To be continued in my fourth and final part

©Andrew ❤