Personal with adult themes. Not for everyone.
One of life’s unfathomable questions for you, think of a Movie! Then ask yourselves why do some people hate everything about that Movie yet others love the tale with a passion perhaps even rating it as their favourite of all time, or let’s say of that particular moment, interesting conundrum don’t you think? A Hollywood Producers Holy Grail.
Tonight being Saturday evening I had intended to walk the half mile into Town and watch ‘La La Land’ now playing at my local cinema, apparently this Movie is billed as a future classic, a throwback to musicals of an earlier era such as Singing In The Rain’, I was going to watch but ultimately didn’t!
Right now I’m tooo tired to summon up the words to honestly describe how dejected and sorry for myself I’m feeling, so as sometimes happens on my blog, a dictionary definition will suffice:
Anxiety – definition – ‘a feeling of worry, nervousness, apprehension, agitation foreboding, unease as regards something with an uncertain outcome’, life! Couldn’t have described the debilitating affects of AvPD any better.
There’s an American Statute named ‘Pursuit of Happiness’, such a strange phrase?
Lazy to cut and paste from Google I know (at least I’m honest), but I ask could you dream up a better answer describing how I feel all or most of the time? All I’ve ever wished in life is to have something my brother has remembering I haven’t an ounce of jealousy in my being, a wife would be nice, simple as, I’d love to have met a woman similar to Jayne, a wonderful mother, homemaker, who’s witty charming, she crafts and sows, is beautiful and going by the contents of her underwear draw I have a guess she’s spectacular in bed (don’t ask how I know long story)…………true love is a gift hookers can never give, ahh but do I visit hookers lol? Women make you happy don’t they? Or as one lady blogger once replied to me, ‘Andrew honey be careful what you wish for’.
Anyways this isn’t a post about escorts or my lovely sister-in-law! (Not a Saint mind lol, no one’s that perfect, the lady can be moody………..and if she ever reads this remember you’re in my Will honey.)
Returning to earlier this evening, I had something to eat, dressed myself in warm coat hat and scarf in preparation for tonight’s freezing temperatures, I stood in my hallway about to open my front door into a cold dark winter’s night then anxiety hit me and all anticipation of happy times disappeared, I asked myself ‘what really is the point going to watch a sweet happy Film on my own? ‘La La Land’ is a Movie for young lovers, retired couples, married parents who’ve left their little ones with a baby sitter all for a deserved relaxing evening out, why go?’………… why would a single middle aged guy feeling rather anxious melancholy and dejected really need to be amongst happy laughing people, endure such hellish tortuous solitude? So I didn’t bother. Anxiety as often does got the better of me tonight, a feeling of ‘what an earth is the f#cking point’ consumed my mind, and all cheerful spirit disappeared, and yes I was even a little tearful as I undressed myself, a panic attack? No. ………… I will watch ‘La La Land’ but some other day, perhaps next week after work in Oxford………….. Loneliness is a disease, solitude fuels depression, I give up, why convince myself I’m enjoying a Movie which has to be viewed sitting next to the person you love? A rhetorical question there is no answer.
All wasn’t lost though, I belong to Lovefilm, you know the ‘club’, you pay a subscription to Amazon and in return they’ll post two DVDs to your home, newly released Movies of your internet choosing to watch on your own, and just so happens one of my two selections was a French Film named ‘I’ve Loved You So Long’. A Movie touching on themes of suicide depression murder sadness and family heartache yet which possesses a wonderful uplifting ending, warms the coldest hearts 🙂 and in my opinion is a masterpiece of a Film, a real weepy so have a box of tissues ready to hand, you’ll NEVER suspect she actually did that!
So I curl up on my sofa with a glass of fresh apple juice, then after two hours of viewing this wonderful tale the Film ends, the credits role, and my brief moment of enjoyment leaves as quickly as it came and I’m left on my own again, a kiss and a cuddle would be nice lol. But as they say tomorrow will be a new day, happiness is a life choice, so I must try to make tomorrow a happy day.
Sad Films are a magnet for unhappy people
Don’t get me wrong though, as bad a movie review as tonight’s post suggests, ‘I’ve Loved You So Long’ is a true classic, intelligent, original with a tour de force performance from Kristen Scott Thomas and her all French cast. Please watch.
I know feeling sorry for oneself isn’t a pretty sight, quite childish actually 😦
© Andrew 🙂