Happy Thoughts :)

Original and ©Andrew.

f4e4a427e2a315c58d0fbe1bd7bb04d2Before I begin my little tale a question for you, is the dictionary definition for the word Hooker universally understood? If not then perhaps this explanation helps, ūüôā Typically a woman who engages in sexual activity for payment.¬†

However, before you whisper to yourself, “Jeeze, as well as watching his neighbour strip in her bedroom, he sees hookers as well? I’m finished with Andrew! ūüėõ “

Hold ON a minute! IMPORTANTLY THIS TALE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME VISITING HOOKERS! I bumped into one that’s all. Ok are we clear?

Midway through writing a serious response post to a French lady living in England another true tale sifted into my mind, amazing how that happens, a remark or observation in turn prompts you to recall a memory you wished to be misplaced, simply because it’s too painful to dwell on. Or maybe a regrettable event you hoped would be forgotten forever!

Other times, and always when you least expect it, a remark a thought will prompt memories of an amusing true tale that you hoped and assumed you’d remember for the rest of you life, a heart warming personal experience that would make you smile when life is so darn boring and predictable that you truly need your spirits lifted. An incident, such as this tale, pricking my imagination into gear as I relived an anecdote that both impressed my work colleagues and literally had them belly laughing!

The day I was propositioned by a hooker.

Maybe not the most earth shattering News you’ve ever read but ask yourselves have you ever had a prostitute ask you for sex? No? Well I have so the tale’s worth telling again, though rather disturbingly the hooker in question seemed to instinctively recognise a possible paying client just by looking at him. ME!!

Hmm :/ , me thinks there’s visual qualities about myself that I’m unaware of?

However I didn’t avail myself of her services but she sure was an interesting story to tell the lads back at work later that day, and then there’s the question if I hadn’t been so na√Įve and slow on the uptake I may have followed her, because I’m an impulsive type of guy………….but I didn’t!

So have you ever been propositioned by a hooker? Or worse still been mistaken for one!

Several summer’s ago my employer instructed me to visit the City of London to go pick up 6 small bronze statues from a metal foundry located in ‘rich and trendy’ Chelsea, you’ll recognise the name, a home to wealthy footballers and Russian oligarchs.

A day trip in works time, paid by your employer, is known in the engineering industry as a jolly, all the more exciting because it’s simply a break from the daily grind of work with expenses and food paid for and best of all your colleagues envy you like hell. ūüėõ

So come the morning in question I go to work as usual, I’m gifted a reasonable financial allowance, say my grinning goodbyes for the day and make for Oxford’s railway Station. Buying my ticket I board a London bound train for the hours journey into Paddington Station, a drab place I’ve visited many times throughout my life being as it’s the London link to the whole West of Great Britain. I’ve travelled through Paddington Station as far back as a small child summer holidaying with my Grandparents.

Anyways returning to my story, I join fellow commuters leaving the train carriage, again buy more tickets and make my way to the Underground tube station, I love the London Underground for the sheer atmosphere and history that near seeps from the Victorian d√©cor. Coupled with the fact in many deep bore stations you find yourself standing on platforms which, 60 years previous, would have been populated by London’s citizens sleeping in rows of bunk-beds all sheltering from falling bombs dropped by Nazi heavy bombers. Then after the ok siren had been sounded they’d climb the hundreds of steps to the surface not knowing if they have a home to go to! These citizens rebuilt a Nation! ūüôā

After a change I finally exited Sloane Square tube station walking out into the bright sunlight of a late summers morning, crowded with people as Capital cities always are especially London being populated by rude impersonal and not so happy looking faces rushing to wherever they have to go, so very different to sedate Oxford with it’s tourists and University students.

So I exit the tube station by turning right onto the pavement, and walking no more than ten paces I near bumped into a young woman blocking my path! She wasn’t begging for money in fact she looked fashionably dressed, slim my height, mid length straight blonde hair wearing a baggy black leather jacket and sheer black tights (not fishnet!) Denim skirt with a hem stopping midway upon her thighs and definitely not tooo short. As for footwear I cannot honestly remember if she wore heals or below the knee boots?

No matter, the point to my description is the lady didn’t appear like your average lol street hooker, not that I’m acquainted with any mind, but I’ve seen Julie Robert’s in Pretty Woman’ a God awful Movie, to comprehend what a prostitute looks like.

So I’m stopped in my tracks by this lady and remember I’m already feeling extremely disorientated, then with a smile she initiates a friendly conversation speaking with an, yes wait for it, East European accent which I’m straining to understand and I find myself answering questions with a “I’m visiting on a day trip”, “I have plenty of time”. In hindsight I now see the lady was playing a quizzing game and I can assure you in no way shape or form do I look like a policeman. ūüėÄ

Then quite bizarrely she starts throwing into our conversation quick fire questions like, “Have you money?”,

“Would you like to come with me?”, and only then with her final,

“I’ll suck!” did the ‘penny finally drop’ and I realised she was a hooker asking if I’d pay for sex!

So Andrew what did you do next? My short and sweet answer is I replied to the young lady a polite but stunned¬†“No”, then I brushed past her and briskly went on my way. As you’d imagine I laughed thinking to myself ‘they’re going to love this story at work’ and they did!

My apologies if you’re disappointed by the ending to my tale, I guess an anti-climax (groan!!) But as I said at the beginning of this post, amusing events such as being propositioned by a hooker are worth remembering because they make you smile and often when you need one. ūüôā

ūüėÄ And sitting here now I can just imagine her sighing to herself,

“Jeeze this guy’s slow on the uptake!”¬†

©Andrew

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OMG I’m on Google Street View! (Of sorts)

Original ©Andrew

(This post is themed coincidences and isn’t erotic fiction. Btw not everything I write reaches Blog Andrew!)

Coogle Map 023
Google maps Street View of my house (Photograph courtesy of my Samsung Tablet)

Before I begin this true tale I have an admission, I have to be honest, I’ve known about the existence of these Google Street photos (of my home above) for quite some time, so it’s not as if I’m about to let you in on something that happened yesterday!

Only tonight as I was musing over whether to write a post about my favourite sex position namely The Cowgirl, which could even be titled The Lazy Cowgirl position, but the lady was riding me so energetically that Cowgirl it is! But then I thought writing about Sex positions seems a god awful idea for a post (just wait a week!)

Have you ever gazed at an innocuous unremarkable photograph and thought ‘there’s something more to this picture than meets the eye’, well I experience this feeling EVERY time I gaze at these Google photos of my home, right up until this evening I’d think to myself that white car is relevant to MEE! But why?

Well tonight yet again I was looking at the Google Street photos and these visions of the cowgirl sex position kept flitting across my mind, and all I can say is I’m glad I’m not married or I’d have some serious lying to do because now I know WHY!

The event in question, the Google Pics, takes place early summer 2016!

Let me explain, I’d look at my little home on Google Street time to time, use the widgets and pointers to virtually ‘drive-by’, you’ve all done it, and so strange to see my new double glazing and stone shingle front garden. However when I logged on to the app using my Tablet I couldn’t get the question out of mind,

Who on earth owns that white MINI cabriolet parked

directly outside my house?  

Further still, the MINI must have some connection to myself because it’s parked half on the pavement and my estate is like a ghost Town, no one comes here! I’d look at my digital screens thinking, ‘well none of my neighbours own a MINI’, ‘no one I know is hipster enough to own a cabriolet car’, ‘so who on earth owns it?’

“OH MY GOD!” I shouted, and you may have deduced I’d worked out who the owner was and yes I knew her, she was a lady called Sophie and at the same time Google drove past my house taking photographs, Sophie and I were in bed together. Incidentally the window directly above the MINI is my front bedroom and you can’t see but curtains were drawn,

……….and God’s honest truth, as the Lord is my witness, on my collie dog Holly’s life, at about the same time as these pictures were taken, could have been the same time Sophie was sat on my hips. Yep you read that right, squeezing her tits with both hands as Sophie bounced up and down ‘on me’ like a good girl (age 30!) ūüôā I love Cowgirl sex.

Sophie and I were in bed the moment that photo was taken. For certain

How’s that for a coincidence plus I’m so pleased I’ve finally solved my puzzle! ūüėõ Because I know for fact whilst Sophie’s MINI was outside my house we were in bed together, and yes to answer my own question there IS a little more to these pictures than first meets the eye! Sophie was a casual lover found on the internet and the fact we’re in bed at the same time as Google drove past is pretty amazing! Amazing to me!

Coincidences, funny old world!

hhhh
‘Cowgirl’ heavenly sex for lazy men.

 

Andrew.

 

 

 

 

 

Fun Fair pt 2 – My videos

The louder you scream the faster you go!

Peter Kay writer of Phoenix Nights.

(I made a ‘rather unfortunate’ remark on my previous post pointing out not all Bloggers are happy with YouTube videos appearing on WordPress, my apologies if you thought me arrogant but the use of video is an interesting discussion point. :/ You see a while ago I read a Post where this very nice Blogger made clear WordPress is for writers but not a suitable place for YouTube videos, and they were of course ABSOLUTELY correct, writers! As for myself I’m a serial repeat offender ūüėÄ when we’re talking video but I don’t think sharing hurts once in a while and there’s always a context. Either way my remark was out of place.)

So with alternative media in mind here’s my Oxford St. Giles Fun Fair videos from September 2017, all linked from my YouTube Channel ūüôā and hopefully they complement my previous Fun Fair post ‘please click here’. TY

Andrew ūüôā

131 – 50 Questions you’ve Never been asked Tag

©Andrew (I had fun with this one! 131 Posts)

david_cameroon_2_full
The then British Prime Minister David Cameron eating in my local Indian Restaurant!

Glancing through the list that is My Blog Posts I see it’s six month since I challenged myself to a Tag quiz list. Incidentally I haven’t been Tagged but I did see 50 Questions on a lady’s Blog and my first thought was wow aren’t they quirky interesting questions? Real discussion points you’re neither never going to be asked or more importantly you never enquire of yourself.

Did you know there’s been scientific research carried out, and APPARENTLY the most popular theme for a Post IS you’ve guessed, quiz Tags! True, and I have to agree, and I’d go further it doesn’t really matter what the quiz is about.

(Yikes I’ve just had a thought, hopefully :/ mine is ok?)¬†

1. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CANDLE SCENT? Non perfumed. Whenever I’ve been to a Church Service I’ve never enjoyed the scent they give off!

2. WHAT FEMALE CELEBRITY DO YOU WISH WAS YOUR SISTER? None, I couldn’t imagine anything worse, but growing up I always thought having a big sister would be nice.

3. WHAT MALE CELEBRITY DO YOU WISH WAS YOUR BROTHER? None, I couldn’t imagine anything worse, I’m quite content having a younger brother ‚̧

4. HOW OLD DO YOU THINK YOU‚ÄôLL BE WHEN YOU GET MARRIED? Crikey! I have a strong sense I’ll never get married but I’d love to live with a partner. Do I suffer from a fear of commitment?

5. DO YOU KNOW A HOARDER? Me! And I hate myself for amassing¬†‘stuff” I neither need or require. I’d love to live in one of those little Japanese houses and leave clutter behind!

6. CAN YOU DO A SPLIT? You must be frigging joking! ūüėÄ

7. HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU LEARNT HOW TO RIDE A BIKE? Possibly 7? But I remember my Dad running behind holding the saddle pushing.

8. HOW MANY OCEANS HAVE YOU SWAM IN? Of the 6 only 1, the Atlantic.

9. HOW MANY COUNTRIES HAVE YOU BEEN TO? Ireland, France, Italy for a day, Greek Islands. Hmm :/ not many is it!

10. IS ANYONE IN YOUR FAMILY IN THE ARMY? Hmm nope, except my two Grandfather’s fought in WW2, 3 Great Grandfathers fought in WW1, 1 Great Grandfather in the Boer War, Orange River Colony.

11. WHAT WOULD YOU NAME YOUR DAUGHTER IF YOU HAVE ONE? Hmm none, though I’ve always like a Sophie perhaps because I went out with a Sophie.

12. WHAT WOULD YOU NAME YOUR SON IF YOU HAD ONE? Hmm not once in my life have I given this any thought? One HELL of a responsibility to name a child.

13. WHAT’S THE WORST GRADE YOU GOT ON A TEST? Ungraded! At age14, after 1 year’s studying I failed Religious Education. Consequently I got into a LOT of trouble.

14. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD? A children’s Show named¬†Blue Peter, only because¬†the female Presenter ūüėČ wore tight tee shirts.

15. WHAT DID YOU DRESS UP AS ON HALLOWEEN WHEN YOU WERE EIGHT? Halloween isn’t such a big deal in the UK as it is in America.

Read More »

Introduction to ‘A Lady Called Jen’

A fun prelude post ūüôā

Hopefully you’ll have read ’email friendships with other bloggers Part 1 if not here’s the link¬†part 2 follows directly after this post.

Jen the lady blogger I met in person and the tale of our day together follows in part 2.

NOT that boobs are important to my tale ūüėÄ but you may wish to know I lightly stroked Jen’s bra by accident! You see after our farewell embrace on the train platform, as our two body’s separated, as my arms pulled away from hugging her, my fingers brushed the sides of her bra cups feeling the lacy fabric beneath. You see I’d fallen for Jen :/ but alas she hadn’t fallen for me anyways I’d become a little emotional at the station and I guess that’s why I unintentionally¬†‘touched her’ ūüėČ .

Not to worry we both laughed afterwards, in fact she reminded me of this lady below ūüėČ

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‘Big and mature’ just how I like my women!

Andrew (I do try my best with these posts ūüėÄ )

 

Hot and steamy London (June 2017)

(18/07/2017 – I first published my June sightseeing trip to London tale several days ago, however I linked an EXTREMELY tacky YouTube video to accompany that post, call it one of those ‘seemed a good idea at the time’ ideas but in hindsight ‘that’ video¬† and intro was neither tasteful amusing or in the slightest bit relevant to my tale, not to worry I can put that right…….!)

Summer lady

Street_voyeur
London girl in sunny June

Britain has recently experienced it’s hottest June for 40 years, and bang in the middle of a record hot week I took the coach to Central London hoping to do a little sightseeing of my own, I hadn’t visited for several years anyways the day turned out to be a 36 degree body sweltering furnace and the sightseeing was gorgeous………..don’t get me wrong mind we’ve been waiting…. always waiting for sunny days like these.

Blue skies accompany a burning hot sun (I had to buy suntan lotion for the first time in years), searing heat like I’ve never experienced rising up from pavement stone and if you’ve read my Blog before you may have guessed this post could well be one of my sexy stories, all good fun and you’d be right! So without further ado I’ll let you into a little secret, when temperatures rise in the United Kingdom so the English public change into their summer dress ESPECIALLY the ladies, actually if mind serves me right it’s written into legislation!!!

The reason why is simple to explain, there’s both the novelty summer’s finally arrived and we know for sure it won’t last long consequently British women throw all modesty and caution to the wind, you’ve heard the phrase stir-crazy well I’ve coined days like these as sun-crazy, dress hems get shorter, bras are discarded, tee shirts tighter and bustier and for a brief couple of days a year I don’t recognise the Country I’m living in. ‚̧

Lol you want an example? ………..Ok if I’m pushed, there I am waiting to buy a ticket at London Embankment Underground station, packed with commuters jostling for escalators important places to go and as you do I join a queue of people waiting to buy a train ticket, then my eyes clock a young lady with long blonde hair wearing a dairy cream coloured skirt white crotchet top and no bra!……………, Hmm all very observant of you Andrew! :/

So I’m watching this attractive young lady purchasing her Oyster Card ticket, arm raised above her head pressing coins down a slot and what do I see below her armpit? A gaping looping hole in her top that’s what I see! A wardrobe malfunction revealing her perky pink boob with nipple, common I couldn’t make this sh*t up and even MORE bizarre standing behind her is a policeman wearing a Kevlar chest guard wielding his machine gun.

Then I followed her NO!!!! …………. Bless her, she’s only young once and looked fabulous!

Now jump forward two hours and I’m wandering through Hyde Park making my way towards Buckingham Palace and my ‘attention’s’ drawn to a group of young women sunbathing in bikinis, Central London for heavens sake! ūüėÄ , later still I buy a refreshing ice lolly (¬£2.75 ffs) and three young women hip sway past me wearing the tightest of tops no bras and nipples like Scammell wheel nuts, there are micro-skirts hot-pants crop-tops and bare legs as far as the eye can see…………………..a great day to be alive perhaps not so great for Andrew’s blood pressure :/

……then guess what two days later heavy black clouds roll in, temperatures drop by 15 degrees and we return to conservatively dressed British normality as if nothing ever happened. Funny old World!

© Andrew

 

 

 

 

Masturbation, Facebook Twitter and Instagram, a Greek holiday tale, thoughts AND THANK YOU

thanks-lady-bug(Thank you to the 4 ladies for commenting¬†yesterday¬†ūüôā However I decided to delete the/your replies¬†basically because I wouldn’t want someone to read this :/ ‘amusing post’ with very adult themes then forward to your blog, the internet being the internet and all that, my choice, perhaps you have second thoughts also?¬†Like I said your comments were¬†ūüôā appreciated (very)¬†and¬†useful as regards¬†twitter and facebook and Instagram…….. anyways you get the idea. If a post is good enough (haha whatever that means), entertaining enough then¬†people will like,¬†the post was just for fun anyway. TY

ūüėģ ūüôā ūüėÄ ūüė¶ ūüėČ (awesome¬†for a sex blogger) ūüėõ XD¬†:/ >:D ūüė°¬† ūüėē o_O ūüė≥ ūüôĄ ūüėé ^^’ ‚̧

Btw aren’t Emojis the best invention EVER!¬†Seriously, they’re awesome add one yellow smilie¬†to a sentence and it sets your emotions alight, and the iPhone Emojis are even MORE FABULOUS!!! Did you know they’re the product of texting in olden days when a phone message had so few characters users¬†resorted to LMAO LMFAO……….

But I hate LOL, why? Is anyone actually Laughing Out Loud? My niece say lol within a spoken sentence, strange but adorable. Andrew)

Yesterday’s Post

I’m always curious as to why a blog falls silent, not because I’m nosey I’m just curious, have they gone ghost or finished forever? Especially interested if I’ve enjoyed Following. I’ve been on WP 2 years now, 2 years is a long time but¬†I do lack inspiration which is fine,¬†perhaps I ask to much of a simple free website? (I do) I may take a break. Anyways thank you for each view like and comment, you made me so happy.

If you¬†didn’t consider¬†my ‘writing¬†varied eclectic¬†and haphazardly ‘all over the place’ before this Post¬†then¬†you haven’t read this one yet.

My first and only Re blog……….. 60 Likes!

A blogging observation¬†which¬†really did catch me unawares,¬†:/ an age thing, and¬†I’m surprised it’s taken SO long for the ‘penny to drop’ when WordPress gives us the¬†sharing tools …………. yes I speak of clicking those tiny icons which send you to Twitter and Facebook! Duh so obvious.facebook-twitter-instagram-2

‘WordPress is pants¬†as regards social interaction (if you’re not very good), you have to be on Twitter!’

I didn’t write that btw, they’re not my words,¬†whoever did¬†goes top of the class and at the same time proving I’m slow on the pick up, social media adds an extra dimension to WP.

If I decide to take¬†a break I’ll continue to scroll my¬†Reader,¬†my imagination¬†requires it’s daily¬†fix of amusement and intellectual stimulation to ever walk away, I watch little TV the internet is far more fun. Here’s a thought, whoever coined the phrase ‘self abuse’ as an alternative¬†description and deranged idea masturbating is bad for you?¬†Must have been those two faced Victorians who’s¬†values Margaret Thatcher said we should¬†return back to. B#ll sh#t what values?¬†The ones¬†that¬†branded Charles Dickens a criminal, placed him in debtors prison just because he found himself on hard times, thank God for a Welfare State.

Time for adult themes, (there has to be with me, some¬†like and they’re fun to make), as always if¬†at least one person enjoys then I’m truly happy ūüôā )

Def masturbation– Stimulation of the genitals with the hand for sexual pleasure

 

“There are two kinds of people in the world, those who masturbate and those who lie!”

hot-men-masturbating-gifs-2

Wanking! An unusual habit all those tingly sensations and waves of pleasure, I’m immature lol, playing with oneself does fascinate me, always has done, all aspects and God knows¬†why it’s scorned upon? There’s loads of¬†medical benefits and more.

I read that¬† ‘2 kinds of….’ gem in a borrowed copy of GQ Magazine and¬†for some reason it’s one of those useless pieces of information that attaches itself to a brain synapse or whatever and will never shift or disappear………… I probably¬†have all my neurological brain biology mixed up but you get the idea.

:/ Humour me, sex amuses the child in me.

Like I said I¬†won’t write a Post, yes playing with oneself is incredibly pleasurable but more importantly clinicians and psychiatrists say masturbation is good for ones general health and mental well being, that¬†idea fascinates me, you know all those pleasure giving chemicals serotonin and dopamine being released from the brain making me high, so powerful they produce orgasmic sensations men spend the rest of¬†their lives¬†trying to recapture. Being serious for a moment,¬†did you¬†know¬†masturbating flushes the¬†prostate gland of¬†stale semen (think about¬†that astounding fact for a second, could¬†fresh semen give you prettier more intelligent¬†babies?

Men¬†have¬†to Wank daily,¬†how else do¬†they rid themselves¬†of aging tadpoles, hey? AND we’re¬†knowledgably informed¬†‘unused’ ‘past the sell date¬†cum’ could be linked to prostate cancer, not forgetting ‘playing’ is the safest form of sex, no STD’s. In women masturbation can help prevent cervical infections and urinary tract infections through the process of ‚Äútenting,‚Ä̬†or the opening of the cervix that occurs as part of the arousal process. (Googled)

woo.gif

So there you are, healthy for mind and good for the soul, and doesn’t send you blind¬†ūüėÄ . Here’s a tale,¬†I once knew a¬†lady who said when she was a small girl, her mother would smell her fingers and¬†‘tap’ the back of¬†her hand. True, no violence or malice, just disapproving AND that lady wasn’t scarred for life, she thought it¬†very funny.

Improved Health and Mental wellbeing, safe sex and pleasurable, seriously why do certain Christian Preachers teach children masturbation is wrong? Madness!

Serious subject pleasuring oneself, there’s a whole Series there,¬†NO.

ENOUGH!!! (I honestly hope I’ve never¬†offended anyone)

Are you bored yet?

red-bik
She’s surprisingly similar actually

Enough silliness, but masturbation thoughts are most welcome!

You’ve twisted my arm, I’ll tell you a true tale.¬†Quite a few years ago I was on holiday sitting on a sandy beach in the Greek Islands,¬†staring out across the Mediterranean Sea, a low Autumn sun shining above the horizon and practically all by myself. Short story short, my Brother and I had words, he went for a scooter ride to cool off and I sat cross legged wondering what an earth I’d done wrong?

Siblings can be together for just so long.

Then all a sudden a young lady woke me from the day dream by throwing her towel on to the sand a few metres away, quite startled me in fact, and no word of a lie I glanced up and down the beach and I can still visualize now,¬†the lady¬†was on her own¬†the beach was empty¬†and this beautiful young blonde was¬†rolling out her large towel a few metres from me……..WTF? She never said a word, never looked at me, didn’t seem aware I existed, invisible I was! Why so near me when the beach was empty?

(Remember I’m always honest, ūüôā )

At the time and all these years later all I can¬†assume¬†is this single young lady, late twenties, felt more comfortable¬†sitting¬†close¬†to another tourist rather than on her own,¬†and just enough distance to make plain we weren’t an item, safety in numbers have you will! That’s the best I can come up with :/ she wasn’t picking me up, she fancied a day on the beach but didn’t want to be all on her own. Any problem and I could have saved her. Seriously.

So she sits down on the towel¬†also looking out to sea, rummages through her bag, takes out a bottle of suntan lotion, places it beside her then starts to undress! Frigging incredible! And still she doesn’t¬†glance my direction¬†or utter a word, so strange. Cotton dress unbuttoned, that’s tossed away and unbelievably sat only metres away is a slim beautiful twenty something blonde lady wearing a skimpy two piece red bikini! Then¬†she begins to¬†smooth suntan lotion onto her arms and legs.

Passions rising!

Ten minutes ago I’m having an argument with my brother, five minutes ago I’m daydreaming looking out to sea, NOW this bikini clad lady¬†lies¬†back on her bath towel, closes her eyes, and there we both are two strangers on an empty beach,¬†silent still and enjoying the warm late autumn sun!

Note these are¬†the days before iPhones mp3 and earbuds, with nothing to occupy her mind I guess she lay¬†day dreaming¬†and my dick became hard and long, my heart was racing my breath quickening, and you’ve guessed I was¬†excited. Amazing how one loses inhibitions when aroused, you take risks, brain chemicals and sex drive blur sane judgement. So what did you do next Andrew? I did what every sexually excited male would do, I¬†silently drew my knees forward grabbed a towel¬†to cover my waist and thighs then as quiet as¬†I could¬†wiggled my bottom and pull my shorts and pants down.

And all the while she lay serenely relaxed eyes closed, not a care in the world, oblivious to this panting English Tourist sat metres away one hand under towel, holding his dick masturbating himself IMPORTANTLY all the while staring at her gorgeous near naked body,only red bra and briefs for modesty.

Still to this day I close my eyes and see this gorgeous young blonde babe as if by photograph, all I can think now is¬†surely I can’t have been THAT silent! You know breathless gulping and panting, well after a minute or so, yep that quick I came hard onto the sand between my legs, surely she heard me climax? Nope¬†at no point did she turn and look or open her eyes, ūüėÄ what if she had, clocked a tourist knocking one off staring at her breasts…………….could have been an interesting scene if my brother had come back.

I was spent and satisfied but can’t for the life remember what happened next, not a clue, I’d guess she went her way and I went mine, ok¬†not a riveting story but unusual.¬†Note I do realise these days a wanking man would be arrested and get 5 years for gross indecency, quite right to, doing disgusting acts like that in¬†full view of watching women is sexual assault, and knowingly sadistic! Yes. BUT I still consider ‘mine’ was all very innocent (first and last), if she’d looked she may have guessed¬†and at¬†worst she’d have kicked sand in my face! ūüėÄ

So have you ever masturbated outdoors? (As if anyone would answer ūüėÄ )

Facebook Twitter Instagram and your WordPress

fbtwitterQuickly returning¬†to Social Media, first off for no apparent reason I’d like to make clear I’m NOT on FB and don’t do Twitter! At my age you must be joking, never have and never will, truthfully speaking I can’t help musing there’s something a little creepy about¬†grown¬†men having a facebook account, boys yes, men no,¬†there you are just an opinion. Don’t get me wrong social media is a¬†great idea but the revolution’s passed me by…….mind you Twitter’s good if you’re famous, start a petition to get Stephen Fry back I say,¬†my sister in law is on FB, helps her unwind of an evening after¬†the kids go to bed.¬†

Oh yes where was I, thoughts of social media. For several weeks now I’ve become¬†increasingly aware the majority of bloggers¬†I Follow link their WordPress to Instagram Facebook and Twitter accounts and this has me¬†asking myself¬†why do I¬†have a WordPress? The lack of social interaction here does make me unhappy. I need to get out more, I’m a stranger to you ūüôā I need a lay!

Don’t judge me yet, I’m so pleased when ladies reply and say Hi when I comment, an erotic poetess says my comments always make her smile, she says I have a funny turn of phrase and it’s such a pleasure others appreciate my honesty. One woman even wrote me a profile for an internet dating website, lots of encouragement and tips, she said stay clear of bs and you’ll do well, but ūüė¶ of course I never did…………… she’d have been disappointed after doing all that for me. Oh well.

So Bloggers post then Tweet¬†their friends with¬†the link. Common sense! A¬†true community of friends interacting, would be nice but no that’s for the ‘kids’ and mums/moms………¬†like I said I don’t, I publish and well I’m depressing myself now ūüė¶

So are there any conclusions to be made here, no, lol you decide and please don’t ever take my posts tooo seriously, people seem to Like me

I’m WELL aware I sound ungrateful ūüė¶ , I’m NOT , NO,¬†I’ve met so many wonderful people from across the Globe¬†and yes some¬†have become ‘internet friends’, (strangers still) and¬†who recognise my rather unusual truthful honest¬†way of expressing myself,¬†and I’m extremely pleased to have yes lol interacted with you and your blog writing ūüôā I hope no ones been offended by¬†my silly little Posts or my honest comments.

Incidentally my stats say¬†someone in China has been viewing my blog ūüôā I’m so curious which post they looked at? Housing estate Walnut Tree? Autumn Leaves photo? Downton Abbey? My balls in briefs? Oxford’s ‘Gropecunt Lane? My mum’s collie?

I’ll still Follow.

That’s enough now, amazing where a couple of hours and a¬†meandering stream of consciousness takes me.

¬© Andrew ūüôā ‚̧

24. New underwear

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Don’t get tooo excited it’s mostly balls!

I’ll post this photo of me in my undies not to impress mind just¬†so as it catches¬†your eye in¬†the Reader but you’ll have to read on to understand why.

For those of you who recognise¬†that bedroom and¬†colour co ordinated¬†quilt cover, the oak dressing table¬†and tree lamp you’ll know I’m the guy who Posted artistically posed selfies many many months ago, never again!!!

A short story from last weekend, don’t expect tooo much ūüôā¬†I enjoyed writing.

I am a big time fan of online shopping,¬†I’m known for¬†it¬†at work and I’ve made both great and¬†some¬†awful late night purchases………especially on eBay!!! So advice to my Bank, come eleven o’clock at night¬†block my credit card until morning and I’m not joking.

I am clean right out of wearable underwear! Maybe your knickers draw is the same, you¬†know¬†do¬†some pairs have a hole or two? Some lost they’re their waist elastic¬†with a danger of slipping down, must be unnerving if you’re wearing a dress, or maybe some pairs have a¬†stretched¬†gusset! Wtf?

Well last Saturday evening I Googled men’s briefs, and¬†very quickly find¬†a pair¬†I like sold by NEXT High Street clothes boutique,¬†I know a¬†tad young for me but hey ‘he who dares wins’ or something like that, so I¬†get my credit card out and purchase a pack of four in colour black. It’s all working like a dream so far, don’t you find there’s nothing more horrifying when¬†‘paying¬†up’¬†goes all¬†wrong, a card is refused,¬†I automatically break into a cold sweat thinking someone’s stolen¬†my identity, but not to worry an email appears in my Inbox saying they’re mine and pickup Sunday after twelve.

Come on now isn’t technology amazing? Buy exactly what wish and pickup next day, years ago you’d traipse down the High Street in the pouring rain¬†only to¬†find what you want is sold out or¬†they’re out of stock in the colour you want.

The following morning I¬†wander ‘Down Town’,¬†that’s another phrase for ‘Shopping Mall’ to Americans ūüôā and head directly¬†for our¬†NEXT clothing¬†store and I’ll tell you something I wasn’t half nervous walking through those¬†big shiny doors parting before me. Why you ask? Well being a middle aged man I’d forgotten what a youngsters fashion boutique looks and feels like inside………..¬†lots of young people and¬†racks of trendy clothes to be exact and wouldn’t you believe it¬†Purchase Pickup¬†is¬†upstairs at the rear of the Store meaning¬†I have to pick¬†my way through¬†happy teenagers and women’s fashion.

Are they amused by me? I knew on-line underwear shopping was a mistake!

Slightly flushed I¬†climb upstairs¬†and join¬†a long¬†queue of other internet late evening shoppers again they’re all women. ‘F#ck is this a female only store?’ I thought to myself. Today there was only one girl serving us, approximately age 17, a pretty lady wearing a white tee shirt with NEXT written across her chest, oh and¬†a couple of tattoos spaced¬†on her forearm. I’m sorry but I’m afraid I’m NOT a big fan of females with tattoos, call me old fashioned and I’m a ‘live your life how you wish’ ūüôā sort of person and¬†maybe it’s an age thing but to me tattoos are unfeminine and ALWAYS look awful on a girl. There you are but I would never say to the lady!

Incidentally, tattoos are a new very modern phenomenon, oh yes the craze is very recent and did you know in Victorian days only 3 types of people were tattooed, can you guess? Well if you can’t tattoos were worn by the Military, Prostitutes and Criminals……absolutely true!

Back to my clothing Boutique shopping tale. For ten minutes or so I’m standing with other women in the Purchase Pickup queue¬†which is moving very¬†VERY slowly just in front of the pretty girl’s counter, but I don’t mind, she’s fun to watch briskly walking to and from¬†her Store Room then serving customers, very conscientious I could see she enjoyed her job and I’m a sucker for a pretty face.

My turn!!! So I walk to the counter hand the girl my Order Number and a few minutes later she returns with my briefs, see photo above…………then she says something completely deflating and not at all in an unkind manner…….

“Four pairs of men’s black briefs in size SMALL”

……and¬†lol she¬†didn’t half emphasise the word “SMALL” but all spoken with a¬†very sweet smile across her face, not at all nasty or condescending nope the young lady had a sense of humour and I just knew at that very moment in time we both had the image of a man’s ‘bits and bobs’ pictured across both our minds……..and no word of a lie I felt like saying “I’ll tell you something Miss I ain’t that small :)”

But of course I didn’t say anything, I just smiled in return¬†when she caught my eye, took my package paid then exited the Store as quick as I could. Anyways our briefest of encounters made my day, in fact I smiled all the way home (true) thinking I’ll perhaps write a Post about this. Passes the time ūüôā

Andrew ūüôā

 

 

23. Hysterical Literature – Part 2

I’ve been sent an email¬†from someone who shall remain nameless¬†so I’ve¬†decided to answer through a¬†Post, I also replied personally¬†because I’m a¬†polite boy¬†ūüôā

I’ve thought long and hard how to clearly and concisely explain What on earth¬†those ladies are experiencing in the videos, no idea? Anyways I hope the steps below help,¬†thank you.

 

1.¬†Disclaimer: I don’t endorse those videos and I¬†don’t¬†earn a penny from the vibrator’s sale, it is sold by Amazon!!!

2. Firstly please view my post hysterical-literature-the-female-orgasm to understand wtf is going on.

(Brief interlude, I’m hoping you watched, what did you think?)

3. Now that you understand the relationship context association please go to the Hysterical Literature Website

4. Now¬†‘move your cursor’ to vibrator ‘click’ and¬†hystericalliterature.com¬†will¬†forward you to¬†Amazon.

5. Remember¬†I can only guess¬†what those ladies¬†are experiencing in the videos, f#ck I wish I could!!!! But I can’t because I¬†don’t have¬†a clitoris.

(P.S. I hope you understand now why I haven’t sent my answer by email, first¬†off those links are¬†a little confusing, secondly¬†writing a¬†Post is more fun¬†…….. my blog and all that.)

Andrew ‚̧