OMG I’M CUMMING (a response for………)

Original and © Andrew 

JFF and certainly not to be taken tooo literally or heaven forbid seriously……………….. note there’s no hate no nudity (well a little) no pornography and as I’ve written before 🙂 in the unlikely event you’re under 16 why not go and play a computer game, it’ll be more fun than reading this (hopefully entertaining) silliness!

If you’d like to understand how and why this very bizarre post came about ‘click here’, in my opinion a read should help explain all in less than three minutes, then again after reading you may say wtf and not bother coming back 😀 ………………… are you back? Hope so!

I’ll refrain from cross referencing belle’s post and reply to her questions instead, I’ll tell you my own masturbation story in my own words and in my opinion her’s is far better than mine anyway…………..Jeez takes me an age to begin!news1-1Haha above isn’t the image I’d wanted 😉 to use and you’ll be relieved to know I won’t be showing you photographs of me ‘bashing the bishop’ or any other of the many ‘self love’ euphemisms out there, I have photos of me and a lady but that’ll never be shared, she’d look away!!………. oh ok if pushed here’s a photo of me inside an adult toy and ‘click here’ if you’d like to read the full post where I reviewed my adult toy………….now you’ve returned I hope you’re a little shocked! However beware before going on-line and purchasing one for you man, save your money a toy will never ‘beat’ his lover’s own hands! Hold that thought,

(Photo now removed)

:/ Why are sexual photographs of women so much more appealing and acceptable to the human eye? I’ll leave what’s actually happening above to your imaginations, you’re either a male who’ll understand all, a female who’s enough carnal knowledge to have given a helping hand or you’ve left this blog post five minutes ago! Still, revisiting this photo I have to say that was rather a nice quilt cover my sister-in-law bought me for Christmas!

The human sexual orgasm has always fascinated me, let me elaborate and let’s keep this post about self love. When you deep down think about what’s happening to your body as you intimately touch yourself, the chemicals flooding your mind, that you can experience tingling pleasurable sensations leading to explosive climatic orgasms is darn right incredible, and I’ve touched that special button on a woman’s vagina to understand those same pleasurable sensations are even more incredible, evermore intense and powerful for her, and farther still, she experiences even greater waves of pleasure when licked by a man’s wet tongue. I’ve nuzzled my face into a woman’s wide apart thighs and sensed in awe at how her body moves in response to human touch……………………… anyways enough of women what about me!

hOW-MANY-TIME-to-masterbate-min

How often and how many?

Well belle I certainly haven’t experienced 5000 orgasms that’s for sure, I would say on average I masturbate three times a week, but it’s difficult to calculate because Monday – Friday I’m too tired after work so I may never pleasure myself however if I’m feeling particularly excited I may have three wanks on a Saturday? So to answer your question I guess on average I masturbate 25 times a month, that’s 300 a year which on reflection surprises me!

I tell a lie, during summer-time watching university students congregating outside our workshop, scantily dressed in hot pants tight fitting tee shirts, well sometimes I’ll admit the sexual frustration becomes too much and I have to visit the toilet and pleasure myself…………and if ladies magazines and movies are correct, working women will time to time visit the bathroom to tip the velvet?

How about the first time?

Jeeze there’s a long story and short story, ‘click here’ for the long story, believe it or not I was over the age of 20 when I had my first orgasm and shortly after that I experienced my first wet dream, I can visualise now waking up, feeling something cold and wet against my leg, pulling back the sheets and seeing well you know. Yep I was twenty something, that linked post explains all and being serious the fact I hadn’t worked out how, incredible or what, still upsets me till this day but of course the internet has changed everything for children of today………………for the worse!

Back to your question, my first time was during lunch break at work…………..I should clarify I had my first orgasm inside the cubicle of my employers toilets! Once a week, every Friday lunch time, a wages ‘girl’ would walk into our workshop and hand out twenty packets filled with yes our wages, well our wages ‘girl’ (Jewish she was though her name escapes me) was stunning, slim with the longest legs you have seen on a woman, however she never wore skirts, sensible girl, nope she was always immaculately dressed wearing tailored figure friendly fashionable trousers and black high heeled shoes, lovely she was far to classy for the likes of us sex starved young men. Well about the time she left us, she had the elegant walk of a fashion model, I can all of a sudden remember getting an erection but this was different, this time I felt a strange sensation as if I was going to explode down below, all I knew was I had to find a toilet cubicle and when inside with a little instinctive rubbing of a twitching member I experienced my first orgasm. How did I feel? Numb and totally bewildered!

So how do I do it?

Male_masturbation.svg😀 do I really have to answer that question? I’d better not say because WordPress might be reading let’s just say there’s hand movement and leave it there! I know a thoroughly boring answer only because the way a lady masturbates herself is far more entertaining. For a rather amusing YouTube video where I can show you the one of me and my Fleshlight………. 😉 JOKING!!!

Unlike yourself each time I ‘slap the Salami’ the throbbing twitching sensations and tingling feelings are identical, I’ll touch myself just below the tip, experience amazing incredible tingling sensations, I’ll feel both balls rise all leading to a 3 second nirvana just before climax which is as I’ve said before is surely a gift from God, a feeling men spend their whole lives trying to recapture, then last of all the ejaculating orgasm.

What if someone else helps? ‘click’

Now we’re getting somewhere, when a lady gives me a helping hand the pleasurable erotic sensations are yes heightened, incredibly more intense and do you know what I actually prefer her sitting alongside wanking me, gazing into my puppy eyes, the grip of her firm hand in total command of my whole being and all the while my hand squeezing one of her boobs…………….yep then come the time, her tit nipple pressing into the palm of my hand, I always state the bleeding obvious “I’m gonna cum!” I never fail to, and best of all is when she bows her head and takes every last drop of my silky milk across her tongue! Even better if those sparkling eyes begin to water up. Am I a bad boy?

The best?

Has to be from the hand of the only lady I really loved, as I said a moment ago, she’d look deep into my eyes, always with an amused smile across her lips, loving the fact that she was controlling how my body moved and responded to her firm touch, knowing when to slow and stop the urge to climax now near killing me, C. loved pressing my buttons and me knowing she enjoyed playing me like a musical instrument made the orgasm so much more satisfying.

The worst?

If the brief suspense that comes before climaxing is interrupted, the orgasm is wasted and the feelings of frustration are almost unbearable! Have I ever been interrupted by another person, nope…………. and thank god never by my mother! bringing me a cup of tea. It happens apparently.

Anything to add?

If you were to ask me have I ever masturbated outdoors? I’d say yes on holiday in Greece, I once wrote a post about this tale tho now long deleted. The short story is I was sitting on a sandy beach, then from who knew where, a pretty lady sat on our beach but three metres away, took me aback when we were virtually the only two people there, all I can think is she felt more secure being so close to another tourist.

Even better and to my utter astonishment she stripped down to her red bikini underneath, sensually smoothed suntan cream over her body which got me hard and excited I can tell you, then she put her sunglasses on and proceeded to layback and sunbathe, next to me! Well I quietly draped a towel across my knees, pulled down my shorts and pants, then well ‘came’ all over the sand between my legs and all without her noticing. AND I can honestly say that’s the only occasion, mind you there was that other time riding a bus!

Short story, said that a few times this evening haven’t I! Many years ago whilst sat on a bus going somewhere? A young lady across the passenger aisle caught my eye wearing the tightest of tee shirts over her large firm boobs bouncing jiggling in response to our bus, well enough to say I became ever more excited, and how she never noticed my panting god only knows, well come the time, without hand stimulation a ejaculated inside my boxer shorts, a wholly incredible orgasm the only downside being I had to return straight back home to shower the sticky mess off, but yes the orgasm was worth the aggravation and trouble!

Has reading a WordPress Post ever made me cum, yes and many a time I’ll experience erections whilst reading sexy stories written by the erotic fantasy writers I follow, don’t you think that’s a good gauge of how talented a writer she is? And yes with a little stimulation she’s taken me to the point of orgasm…… 😉 thank you ladies all.

Andrew 😉

Hi B. I hope you’re feeling better, I read your flu post and well I have Skype Andrew B 😉 and if you’d ever like someone to ‘Skype with’ I’d love to, bateman111@hotmail.com……….. lol you can’t blame me for asking can you!! 🙂 (Anyways this message and example photo will be removed soon.)

 

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Susie Dent’s video guide to swearing…….

A light hearted post for lovers of the English spoken word © Andrew

Recently Susie Dent (I’ll explain who she is further down) was approached by her employers ‘Channel 4 television’ to research and narrate a series of videos for YouTube, incidentally a website you’ll find me when I’m not hanging around WordPress, the TV company asked Susie to make several videos tracing the origins of what’s commonly referred to as English swear words.

Now before you leave me, I agree the words C**T S**T and F**K shouldn’t be used in everyday conversation! However remember you’ll find each word, also their countless meanings usage and definitions in the English dictionary so they are as relevant as any other in the English Language, and in the case of the highly taboo C**T this swear word can be traced back many hundreds of years.

So yes I’d agree with you if you said swearing is awful uncouth and lazy, but as someone who regularly uses the F bomb I quite enjoyed watching the linked videos narrated and produced by the gorgeous and very VERY sexy Susie Dent.

Btw doesn’t she have a fabulous voice!

So who is Susie Dent I hear you ask?

Here in the UK we have a very popular daytime quiz show called ‘Countdown’, but don’t worry about the show, enough to say the game revolves around choosing unknown consonants and vowels so as to make up a dictionary word, the longer the word you come up with the more points you win! Btw I don’t watch television! Awful invention!

Returning to my original question, Susie Dent is an English lexicographer and etymologist and resident expert in Countdown’s ‘Dictionary Corner’, incidentally until this evening I didn’t know what an etymologist did for a living, which is a pretty disgraceful admittance for anyone who likes to call themselves a blogger!!!

Etymologist def. – studies the history of words, their origins, and how their form and meaning have changed over time.

You may be aware I’m a little obsessed with women on Blog Andrew, the majority of my posts seem to derive from observing the fair sex and her femininity ……….oh and not forgetting my sex life! Perhaps it’s because I’m single that I find women so captivating and fascinating creatures, :/ yet they confuse and mystify me in equal measures? So if any reader wondered who Andrew’s ideal woman is, I know you don’t but humour me, Susie Dent is the lady who quickens my pulse and makes ‘me hard and my bits tingle’.

Now I’ll refrain from being over familiar and coarse in this JFF post except to say in my humble opinion intelligence is an appealing and very sexy quality in a woman and Susie has sex appeal in abundance! 

I digress, where was I? Oh yes Ms. Dent, if you stopped a man in the street and asked him to describe Susie Dent they’d probably say Countdown first and ‘thinking man’s crumpet’ second, and for all you bloggers who reside outside the UK the word ‘crumpet’ refers to ‘a sexually attractive lady!’

Thinking man’s crumpet def. –  a humorous term for a person who is popular with the opposite sex because of their intelligence and their physical attractiveness.

Countdown
COUNTDOWN – Susie Dent
Countdown
COUNTDOWN – Susie Dent

…….. and now the very English swear word B****Y!

………and now for Susie Dent’s ‘The Real Origins of C**T!

Andrew 🙂

Masturbation, Facebook Twitter and Instagram, a Greek holiday tale, thoughts AND THANK YOU

thanks-lady-bug(Thank you to the 4 ladies for commenting yesterday 🙂 However I decided to delete the/your replies basically because I wouldn’t want someone to read this :/ ‘amusing post’ with very adult themes then forward to your blog, the internet being the internet and all that, my choice, perhaps you have second thoughts also? Like I said your comments were 🙂 appreciated (very) and useful as regards twitter and facebook and Instagram…….. anyways you get the idea. If a post is good enough (haha whatever that means), entertaining enough then people will like, the post was just for fun anyway. TY

😮 🙂 😀 😦 😉 (awesome for a sex blogger) 😛 XD :/ >:D 😡  😕 o_O 😳 🙄 😎 ^^’

Btw aren’t Emojis the best invention EVER! Seriously, they’re awesome add one yellow smilie to a sentence and it sets your emotions alight, and the iPhone Emojis are even MORE FABULOUS!!! Did you know they’re the product of texting in olden days when a phone message had so few characters users resorted to LMAO LMFAO……….

But I hate LOL, why? Is anyone actually Laughing Out Loud? My niece say lol within a spoken sentence, strange but adorable. Andrew)

Yesterday’s Post

I’m always curious as to why a blog falls silent, not because I’m nosey I’m just curious, have they gone ghost or finished forever? Especially interested if I’ve enjoyed Following. I’ve been on WP 2 years now, 2 years is a long time but I do lack inspiration which is fine, perhaps I ask to much of a simple free website? (I do) I may take a break. Anyways thank you for each view like and comment, you made me so happy.

If you didn’t consider my ‘writing varied eclectic and haphazardly ‘all over the place’ before this Post then you haven’t read this one yet.

My first and only Re blog……….. 60 Likes!

A blogging observation which really did catch me unawares, :/ an age thing, and I’m surprised it’s taken SO long for the ‘penny to drop’ when WordPress gives us the sharing tools …………. yes I speak of clicking those tiny icons which send you to Twitter and Facebook! Duh so obvious.facebook-twitter-instagram-2

‘WordPress is pants as regards social interaction (if you’re not very good), you have to be on Twitter!’

I didn’t write that btw, they’re not my words, whoever did goes top of the class and at the same time proving I’m slow on the pick up, social media adds an extra dimension to WP.

If I decide to take a break I’ll continue to scroll my Reader, my imagination requires it’s daily fix of amusement and intellectual stimulation to ever walk away, I watch little TV the internet is far more fun. Here’s a thought, whoever coined the phrase ‘self abuse’ as an alternative description and deranged idea masturbating is bad for you? Must have been those two faced Victorians who’s values Margaret Thatcher said we should return back to. B#ll sh#t what values? The ones that branded Charles Dickens a criminal, placed him in debtors prison just because he found himself on hard times, thank God for a Welfare State.

Time for adult themes, (there has to be with me, some like and they’re fun to make), as always if at least one person enjoys then I’m truly happy 🙂 )

Def masturbation– Stimulation of the genitals with the hand for sexual pleasure

 

“There are two kinds of people in the world, those who masturbate and those who lie!”

hot-men-masturbating-gifs-2

Wanking! An unusual habit all those tingly sensations and waves of pleasure, I’m immature lol, playing with oneself does fascinate me, always has done, all aspects and God knows why it’s scorned upon? There’s loads of medical benefits and more.

I read that  ‘2 kinds of….’ gem in a borrowed copy of GQ Magazine and for some reason it’s one of those useless pieces of information that attaches itself to a brain synapse or whatever and will never shift or disappear………… I probably have all my neurological brain biology mixed up but you get the idea.

:/ Humour me, sex amuses the child in me.

Like I said I won’t write a Post, yes playing with oneself is incredibly pleasurable but more importantly clinicians and psychiatrists say masturbation is good for ones general health and mental well being, that idea fascinates me, you know all those pleasure giving chemicals serotonin and dopamine being released from the brain making me high, so powerful they produce orgasmic sensations men spend the rest of their lives trying to recapture. Being serious for a moment, did you know masturbating flushes the prostate gland of stale semen (think about that astounding fact for a second, could fresh semen give you prettier more intelligent babies?

Men have to Wank daily, how else do they rid themselves of aging tadpoles, hey? AND we’re knowledgably informed ‘unused’ ‘past the sell date cum’ could be linked to prostate cancer, not forgetting ‘playing’ is the safest form of sex, no STD’s. In women masturbation can help prevent cervical infections and urinary tract infections through the process of “tenting,” or the opening of the cervix that occurs as part of the arousal process. (Googled)

woo.gif

So there you are, healthy for mind and good for the soul, and doesn’t send you blind 😀 . Here’s a tale, I once knew a lady who said when she was a small girl, her mother would smell her fingers and ‘tap’ the back of her hand. True, no violence or malice, just disapproving AND that lady wasn’t scarred for life, she thought it very funny.

Improved Health and Mental wellbeing, safe sex and pleasurable, seriously why do certain Christian Preachers teach children masturbation is wrong? Madness!

Serious subject pleasuring oneself, there’s a whole Series there, NO.

ENOUGH!!! (I honestly hope I’ve never offended anyone)

Are you bored yet?

red-bik
She’s surprisingly similar actually

Enough silliness, but masturbation thoughts are most welcome!

You’ve twisted my arm, I’ll tell you a true tale. Quite a few years ago I was on holiday sitting on a sandy beach in the Greek Islands, staring out across the Mediterranean Sea, a low Autumn sun shining above the horizon and practically all by myself. Short story short, my Brother and I had words, he went for a scooter ride to cool off and I sat cross legged wondering what an earth I’d done wrong?

Siblings can be together for just so long.

Then all a sudden a young lady woke me from the day dream by throwing her towel on to the sand a few metres away, quite startled me in fact, and no word of a lie I glanced up and down the beach and I can still visualize now, the lady was on her own the beach was empty and this beautiful young blonde was rolling out her large towel a few metres from me……..WTF? She never said a word, never looked at me, didn’t seem aware I existed, invisible I was! Why so near me when the beach was empty?

(Remember I’m always honest, 🙂 )

At the time and all these years later all I can assume is this single young lady, late twenties, felt more comfortable sitting close to another tourist rather than on her own, and just enough distance to make plain we weren’t an item, safety in numbers have you will! That’s the best I can come up with :/ she wasn’t picking me up, she fancied a day on the beach but didn’t want to be all on her own. Any problem and I could have saved her. Seriously.

So she sits down on the towel also looking out to sea, rummages through her bag, takes out a bottle of suntan lotion, places it beside her then starts to undress! Frigging incredible! And still she doesn’t glance my direction or utter a word, so strange. Cotton dress unbuttoned, that’s tossed away and unbelievably sat only metres away is a slim beautiful twenty something blonde lady wearing a skimpy two piece red bikini! Then she begins to smooth suntan lotion onto her arms and legs.

Passions rising!

Ten minutes ago I’m having an argument with my brother, five minutes ago I’m daydreaming looking out to sea, NOW this bikini clad lady lies back on her bath towel, closes her eyes, and there we both are two strangers on an empty beach, silent still and enjoying the warm late autumn sun!

Note these are the days before iPhones mp3 and earbuds, with nothing to occupy her mind I guess she lay day dreaming and my dick became hard and long, my heart was racing my breath quickening, and you’ve guessed I was excited. Amazing how one loses inhibitions when aroused, you take risks, brain chemicals and sex drive blur sane judgement. So what did you do next Andrew? I did what every sexually excited male would do, I silently drew my knees forward grabbed a towel to cover my waist and thighs then as quiet as I could wiggled my bottom and pull my shorts and pants down.

And all the while she lay serenely relaxed eyes closed, not a care in the world, oblivious to this panting English Tourist sat metres away one hand under towel, holding his dick masturbating himself IMPORTANTLY all the while staring at her gorgeous near naked body,only red bra and briefs for modesty.

Still to this day I close my eyes and see this gorgeous young blonde babe as if by photograph, all I can think now is surely I can’t have been THAT silent! You know breathless gulping and panting, well after a minute or so, yep that quick I came hard onto the sand between my legs, surely she heard me climax? Nope at no point did she turn and look or open her eyes, 😀 what if she had, clocked a tourist knocking one off staring at her breasts…………….could have been an interesting scene if my brother had come back.

I was spent and satisfied but can’t for the life remember what happened next, not a clue, I’d guess she went her way and I went mine, ok not a riveting story but unusual. Note I do realise these days a wanking man would be arrested and get 5 years for gross indecency, quite right to, doing disgusting acts like that in full view of watching women is sexual assault, and knowingly sadistic! Yes. BUT I still consider ‘mine’ was all very innocent (first and last), if she’d looked she may have guessed and at worst she’d have kicked sand in my face! 😀

So have you ever masturbated outdoors? (As if anyone would answer 😀 )

Facebook Twitter Instagram and your WordPress

fbtwitterQuickly returning to Social Media, first off for no apparent reason I’d like to make clear I’m NOT on FB and don’t do Twitter! At my age you must be joking, never have and never will, truthfully speaking I can’t help musing there’s something a little creepy about grown men having a facebook account, boys yes, men no, there you are just an opinion. Don’t get me wrong social media is a great idea but the revolution’s passed me by…….mind you Twitter’s good if you’re famous, start a petition to get Stephen Fry back I say, my sister in law is on FB, helps her unwind of an evening after the kids go to bed. 

Oh yes where was I, thoughts of social media. For several weeks now I’ve become increasingly aware the majority of bloggers I Follow link their WordPress to Instagram Facebook and Twitter accounts and this has me asking myself why do I have a WordPress? The lack of social interaction here does make me unhappy. I need to get out more, I’m a stranger to you 🙂 I need a lay!

Don’t judge me yet, I’m so pleased when ladies reply and say Hi when I comment, an erotic poetess says my comments always make her smile, she says I have a funny turn of phrase and it’s such a pleasure others appreciate my honesty. One woman even wrote me a profile for an internet dating website, lots of encouragement and tips, she said stay clear of bs and you’ll do well, but 😦 of course I never did…………… she’d have been disappointed after doing all that for me. Oh well.

So Bloggers post then Tweet their friends with the link. Common sense! A true community of friends interacting, would be nice but no that’s for the ‘kids’ and mums/moms……… like I said I don’t, I publish and well I’m depressing myself now 😦

So are there any conclusions to be made here, no, lol you decide and please don’t ever take my posts tooo seriously, people seem to Like me

I’m WELL aware I sound ungrateful 😦 , I’m NOT , NO, I’ve met so many wonderful people from across the Globe and yes some have become ‘internet friends’, (strangers still) and who recognise my rather unusual truthful honest way of expressing myself, and I’m extremely pleased to have yes lol interacted with you and your blog writing 🙂 I hope no ones been offended by my silly little Posts or my honest comments.

Incidentally my stats say someone in China has been viewing my blog 🙂 I’m so curious which post they looked at? Housing estate Walnut Tree? Autumn Leaves photo? Downton Abbey? My balls in briefs? Oxford’s ‘Gropecunt Lane? My mum’s collie?

I’ll still Follow.

That’s enough now, amazing where a couple of hours and a meandering stream of consciousness takes me.

© Andrew 🙂 ❤

Renamed Post = Theresa May tells lies

(I have to admit I’m not entirely happy with this Mrs May post, uploaded last night, and but for the comments I would have removed, a little tooo jolly but it stays. The only point I’m trying to get across is our PM could be a useful bridge to the world oh and introduce Theresa if you’ve never heard of her 🙂 )

I never usually blog Politics and I’m NOT going to repeat here what you can go read on the internet about Mrs May, after all I pale into significance compared with the professionals, so go Google British Newspapers! 🙂 But I’m at a loose end and I Follow several American political bloggers so why not post one of my own.

Here goes!

Sunday is nearly over and I thought I’d show a few pictures of our Theresa since she’s in the American News 😀 . AND thankfully yes a chemistry existed between her and Trump but don’t worry Theresa was just playing politics, being nice and all, she’ll never be his lap pussy and note could be good counsel when he’s off Twitter.

Mrs May is a shrewd bright no nonsense talking daughter of a clergyman with sound moral judgement, so please give her a break Britain’s Press hopefully she’ll be a brake on Trump lunacy, they liked each other so calm down!

Unlike Trump, May is University educated having studied at St. John’s College, Oxford (which incidentally I walk past everyday on the way to work) and as you’ll guess I’m a big fan of our new PM she’s a breath of fresh air after that wanker showman David Cameron (BREXIT is his fault alone c##t) and never forget Theresa spent six years as Home Secretary coping with weekly (daily) minefields of riots, prison breakouts, police shootings of black teenagers………and yes the Police Federation so good at standing in the way of countless Home Secretaries over the years, they deserved a telling off!……..just watch this, Theresa as she reads Police the riot act.

Impressive 🙂

AND I do like this very telling photograph below (1000 words and all that!), Trump’s re-telling an anecdote, cracking a joke and she’s well just letting it pass. (BTW I’m NOT anti American I loved Obama such a graceful intelligent man.

 

th
Theresa just letting it roll!

 

A few pictures, hasn’t she a great sense of style. (I wouldn’t say no!)

ttttheresa-may

I think she’s fab! 😀

 

t
He likes her, but beware she’s streetwise!

 

(All very tongue in cheek)

© Andrew 🙂